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  Jeff Kmiotek Send comments, questions and jokes to Jizzeff@aol.com. Humor me.

For Halloween last night, I was going to be a USC kicker, but I didn’t want to choke on my candy. I was going to be Paul Hackett, but I didn’t want to slip and fall into the gutter. I was going to be Carson Palmer, but they don’t sell hype at Aahs. I was going to be an ‘SC fan, but I figured I would just sit at home and think of how good Halloween was back in the ’70s. The Trojans, however, were very prepared for Halloween. Their play has been frightening, they’ve been hearing lots of boos and they have pretended to be football players all season. • • • USC lost its fifth straight game, a 28-16 defeat to Cal, to remain winless in the Pac-10. Some call USC the “Toe-jams,” but I don’t think that’s fair to toe jam. There are many reasons for USC’s failure this season, one being the kicking game. The Trojan kickers have converted PAT’s like Shaq makes free throws. They’ve nailed just 13 of 21 attempts, gimmees for most teams. The most successful kick for USC, however, will be when coach Hackett gets booted out of town. • • • Imagine if the Trojans came into the Rose Bowl on Nov. 17 winless in the Pac-10. ... • • • Meanwhile, the Bruins battled injuries and a hostile stadium to return to their winning ways. You may have never heard of Kory Lombard, Saia Makakaufaki, Steve Morgan or Stephen Sua, but the back-ups stepped up on Saturday. With all the injuries, the Bruins have been survivors of sorts, but unlike Rich and Rudy, it may get them on the island instead of off it. If UCLA finishes in fourth or fifth place in the Pac-10, a good possibility, they’ll be doing the Jingle Bell Rock in Hawaii. • • • Ricky Manning Jr. proved that the first three letters of his name say enough, and I don’t mean “ric.” • • • The Bruins play Saturday at the Rose Bowl against Stanford, and with a 5-3 record, the team hopes you’ll show up. “Come out and support us. We love your energy. We’re gonna put it down,” said Marques Anderson. “We need the Bruin fans to get wild and support us,” said Audie Attar. “Be ready and cheer. Whenever we can get a packed house, we can pick up our play,” said Ryan Nece. • • • And this from an e-mail sent by UCLA senior Roy Matayoshi: “Students, we need to have fanatic spirit. We need to get crazy. We need to get loud. We need you to show up! We make the difference in a game. We are the 12th Bruin!” • • • Bad rap albums have stopped being made, illegitimate children are popping up and tattoo parlors are running out of ink. You betcha, it’s time for the NBA. Yesterday was opening day, and while my deadline was before the Laker-Trailblazer battle, I do know it was a good game with plays and Shaq missed a free throw and Rasheed Wallace got mad and that team from the West coast took the victory. • • • Most of the Lakers have made rap albums, so I thought it’d be fitting to come up with a rap of my own about the Lakers. I call it the “Lake Show Flow.”

Shaq Attack’s back to lead the pack, take a look at that Laker girl’s rack. He throws free throws out of whack, but still scores more than Bayside’s Zach. Kobe Bryant’s tall and lean, with a shot as pure as A.C. Green. Gots the hops you’d expect from a trampoline, gets on streaks that are hotter than Survivor’s Colleen. Isaiah “JR” Rider was quite a find, if only he can show up at games on time, Ron Harper may be past his prime, but he’s still got skills to drop a dime. Horace Grant’s sure to secure the blocks, Brian Shaw can spot up like the chicken pox, Then there’s the forward with the weavy locks, Mr. Vanessa Williams – ya know it’s Rick Fox. Robert Horry sprays treys from the wing, And Mark Madson – hustle he’ll bring, Phil Jackson will do his Zen thing, as the Los Angeles Lakers win another ring. I told you that I won’t stop. I told you that I won’t stop. Word.

The USC joke of the week: How many Trojans does it take to change a flat tire? One. Unless it’s a blow-out. Then the whole team shows up.

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