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  Kenny Chang You can ask Chang about his date at kchang@media.ucla.edu. However, contrary to popular belief, he is not gay, and neither is Fred Savage. Actually, come to think about it, none of this column is actually true. It's merely a figment of Kenny's ludicrous imagination. April Fools! Click Here for more articles by Kenny Chang

Sorry folks, but I really have to tell you about the most interesting Spring Break I’ve ever had. Sure, several people went to Mexico, and some people got to do some really zany things, but since I write for the newspaper, you have to read about mine! Hah!

Okay so check this out. On Wednesday, that would make it March 27, I got the experience of a lifetime.

I was walking alone (yeah, I’m a loser) down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills minding my own business when somebody steps on my heel. Now there are three things in my life that I hate most:

1. Carnies – I can’t stand them. Their carefree swindling ways completely defile my aspirations of being a white-collar nobody.

2. Souped-up Japanese imports. I hate how they all go “vroom vroom” really loud and set off all alarms in parking lots and how they can’t go down bumpy roads and have to go into driveways really slowly and crookedly. Stupid.

3. Carnies. I really don’t like them that much. I think it all started when a pack of carnies drove over my dog. That’s why they take up two spots on my list.

Oh yeah, so I guess, 4. When people step on my heel.

So, I turn around – did I mention I’m drunk? It’s Spring Break – I’ve got to be drunk. Okay, nevermind that. I forgot I was alone, so if I was drunk alone on Rodeo Drive, it makes me sound as if I was dumped by my girlfriend or something and I was just wandering around aimlessly depressed, or maybe it just makes me sound like a prostitute. But still, I was about to give this inconsiderate heel-stepper a piece of my mind, my two cents worth, per se, but guess who it was

You guessed it folks, Frank Stallone.

So I was awestruck. I mean, besides Ben Savage, Frank Stallone is my favorite brother of a second-rate former porno star (Sylvester Stallone starred in “The Italian Stallion”) turned actor.

But then, Stallone spoke: “Hey watch it there buddy.”

Buddy? BUDDY? Who was this guy? The audacity of this fool, calling me buddy. Who did I look like to him? The former First Dog? So of course, I had to retort.

“Who you calling Buddy, BUDDY?”

So before I knew it, Stallone and I were going at it. No, not that kind of going at it – we were fighting. Literally. I thought that I could do it, because, hey this guy was born in 1950. I’m a strapping college student, at the prime of my youth. But damn, that guy is strong.

After a while, some bystanders stopped laughing at the funny Italian man and Chinese guy rolling in the gutter like pygmies fighting for the last bit of cannibalistic tissue and decided to break us up.

But see, Frank Stallone wasn’t the exciting part – guess who broke us up?

You guessed it folks, Fred Savage: Kevin Arnold himself!

So then I was really awestruck. Here I was, getting dusted off by the Grandson from “The Princess Bride” himself. And Stallone got stuck with some art dealer. Hah!

So after getting dusted off, Savage asked me out to dinner. Would I ever pass this up? No way! We ended up eating at Lawry’s the Prime Rib, and let me just tell you this: Fred Savage is a great kisser.

This perfect date was a great way to end a perfect evening, but it didn’t stop there. I’m not going to tell you about it though.

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