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Put a condom on before sexual contact with your partner.

Roll the condom onto erect penis.

Make sure the condom is on right side out.

Leave half an inch of the condom at the tip of the penis to hold the semen.

Use a water-based lubricant.

Withdraw the penis directly after ejaculation, while the penis is still hard.

Hold the base of the condom as you pull it out.

If the condom breaks, panic and swear repeatedly, blame your partner and vow never to have sex again. Then call or visit a clinic or doctor immediately.

Everyone knows the condom is the only contraceptive effective in the prevention of both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. But in a veritable sea of latex, what do UCLA students choose to staunch the sticky flow of fertility and disease?

When questioned about condom choice, many students first expressed their preference for condom avoidance. Fourth-year political science student Kristen Morrison avoids condoms because they “get in the way” during sex. “We’re monogamous,” she added. Morrison uses birth control pills instead.

Third-year cognitive science student Jonah Smith also declines donning the latex dam.

“My girlfriend uses birth control,” Smith said. His reasoning is different from Morrison’s, however. Smith and his girlfriend chose birth control because it is “generally more effective. Well, not with STDs, but I’m not worried about STDs. My partners and I always have tests done.”

But their distaste for condoms hasn’t prevented Morrison or Smith from discovering new and creative uses for the prophylactics. Morrison has blown a condom up like a balloon. She has also been known to use one as a finger bandage.

“I had to get the really small ones,” she said.

Smith has participated in a condom fight with a friend. “We snapped them at each other,” he stated.

When they do buy condoms, Morrison and Smith both purchase Trojans.

“It’s a good name,” Morrison said. “If I have to buy one I’ll get (Trojans). I’m not going to buy, like, Thrifty-brand condoms.”

“That’s the only one that you know for sure will work,” Smith agreed.

Marques Wayne, a retail clerk at Zone d’Amour in Westwood, is also reluctantly sleeping with the enemy.

“I hate condoms,” Wayne stated. “Bareback just rules. I always just go Trojans though, ’cause they’re distributed the most.” Wayne went on to express his distaste for Lifestyles condoms. “They’ve broken on me on several occasions at key moments.”

Students place their faith in established brands, but their flesh doesn’t always follow.

“Among kids running in last-minute, desperate, it’s whatever’s cheapest, and they usually buy singles, which I think is bad planning. With the ones who plan ahead, it’s name brand,” Wayne said.

Wayne was also asked to comment on differences in the condoms males buy as opposed to those females buy. He hasn’t noticed any, but says “there’s a difference in the way they buy them. Guys come in in gangs. Guys are shadier.” According to Wayne, men also tend to purchase special feature condoms “because they’re in a hurry, whereas girls get those as jokes.”

Zone d’ Amour, whose name is fickle as a wayward lover, offers a dizzying array of condoms, including ribbed and studded, tri-color (with reservoir tip), glow-in-the-dark, and flavors ranging from banana to cola. But do so many prospects cause Bruin hearts to flutter, mouths to water, seldom mentioned muscles to contract?

“The simpler the better,” Morrison said.

According to Smith, “There isn’t really a point.”

But when asked to describe the ultimate condom, users’ pragmatism blends with imagination.

Morrison’s ideal condom would be “invisible, and you couldn’t feel it.” She added, “Glitter ones would be fun. Glow-in-the-dark with glitter.”

Smith’s perfect condom would feel as if it wasn’t there at all.

Wayne’s ultimate condom “never breaks” and delivers “maximum sensation.” Also, “for men who’ve been circumcised, it recreates the sensation of the skin that used to be there.”

This article is now spent, and will withdraw immediately. Remember to grip it from the base.

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