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Imagine that Saddam Hussein was more concerned with the body odor of his fellow Iraqis than with the acquisition of weapons of mass destruction.

Impossible? Perhaps.

Hilarious? Definitely.

While Osama bin Laden is hiding in some cave along the Pakistan/Afghanistan border, his rival, Hussein, is busily commenting on the hygiene of his subjects in a new 66 minute documentary, titled “Uncle Saddam” by Joel Soler, a French filmmaker. Surely the movie will reveal how the real Hussein fraternizes with the people of Iraq; or, it will depict how removed he is from people he so heartedly defends as victims of U.S. sanctions rather than his own cruelty.

In a recent interview on Good Morning America, Joel Soler discussed the documentary with host Charles Gibson. A translator directly quotes Hussein in a segment as saying, “It’s not appropriate for someone to attend a gathering or be with his children with his body odor trailing behind him.” Charles Gibson then iterated the importance Hussein places on dental hygiene. Once again, the translator quotes, “If a woman can’t afford to brush her teeth with toothpaste and toothbrush, she should use her finger.”

So there you go. Uncle Saddam wants us all to wash regularly and brush our teeth. As ridiculous as this may be, it is quite normal for Hussein to issue these decrees.

Although Joel Soler’s film is a satirical critique on the Iraqi leader it does expose a prominent characteristic of all dictators. A dictator would like to assume total control over every facet of a person’s life. Franco did it in Spain, closing the country off from the world until his death in 1975. Mussolini tried to do it in Italy – his fascist policies included a campaign to increase the birth rate by awarding gold medals to women. Hitler went one step further and incorporated the fascist rhetoric of Mussolini’s “new man” into the doctrine of “the master race,” eventually succeeding in transforming the German state into a single-minded extension of his own will; until the allies defeated him in 1945.

Now, Hussein is trying his hand at totalitarian rule. Providing daily instructions for his people brings to mind horrible allusions to Mao Zedong and the Great Leap Forward, which forced hundreds of thousands of educated professionals, such as lawyers, teachers and their families into labor camps and agricultural communes in the countryside.

It’s a common trait for every dictator to believe he is acting with the best of intentions for his people. However the uses of the possessive “his” often disposes the people of their own humanity. For example, Robespierre came to power as the head of the Committee on Public Safety during the French Revolution. Going about renaming the days of the week and the months at first, he concluded his tenure as the leader of the Directory by introducing the guillotine as the most humane form of execution. In the end, Robespierre became the recipient of his own policies and was replaced in quick succession by another dictator, the more notable Napoleon Bonaparte. Napoleon tried to conquer the whole of Europe until he confronted the terrible Russian winter and an English general. The lesson to be learned is that all dictators fail.

So Hussein wants us all to brush our teeth and bathe regularly. Well, Hussein, you don’t have to tell us what to do. We hate bad breath as much as we loathe you. So the next time we think of dirty grime and mysterious items between our teeth, you’ll be in our thoughts.

Magdaleno is a fourth-year political science student.