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I swear I’m not an alcoholic.

But when I heard that the Arclight Cinemas in Hollywood were presenting special “21+” screenings of movies all summer long, I was so excited I must have squealed louder than Paul Hamm when he tumbled his way to a gold medal.

I know not everyone is as excited about this amazing event as I am, but for me the pairing of movies and alcohol is a match more cohesive than peanut butter and jelly, Nick and Jessica, or even the Olympics and doping.

OK. So you’re probably saying, “Wait a second, how is this any different from what I do every other Friday night in the privacy of my own living room?”

Well, for one, unless you’re filthy rich and can afford to have your own personal movie theater somewhere hidden in your 14-bedroom, 13 1/2-bath estate, you probably don’t make it a habit to drink while watching the latest summer blockbuster on the big screen.

Additionally, you’re not likely to find beer on tap hidden among the other overpriced soft drinks at your local movie theater. In fact, the Arclight’s web site boasts that it is the first movie theater in California licensed to serve alcoholic beverages.

So why haven’t theaters across the country thought of this idea long before us? Are we Californians so smart and incredibly innovative that the rest of the nation is years behind us?

Probably not.

Are we just bigger lushes, determined to find a way to add alcohol to every aspect of our lives? Will our workplace watercoolers soon be replaced by a cheap keg of Natural Ice and handle of Jim Beam? Are we destined to see mini-bars and beer coasters to come fully installed in every new SUV?

Hopefully not.

More realistically, the movie theater industry has historically chosen to shy away from serving alcoholic beverages for a number of different safety reasons. A lot more can happen in a dark theater than can in an open air sporting arena, and I’m not talking about “the wave.”

Still, the Arclight reports no instances where any one of their visitors has gotten hurt during one of their summer screenings, besides a few drunk and overzealous movie-goers having to be escorted from the theater.

So forget that tub of extra-buttery popcorn and that oversized box of JuJu Bees because there’s a new overpriced confection in town, and this one’s not for kids.

All that being said, I’ll give you 12 steps – I mean reasons – why you should fill up your flasks, put on your drinking hats, and move your 21+ party to a new location.

1.) It’s a fact – alcohol makes any event better. Thanksgiving would not happen in my family were it not for the boxed wine my Aunt Marie brings over that seems to make the whole night a blur.

2.) If the movie’s bad, don’t sweat it – you probably won’t remember it.

3.) Alcohol facilitates all sorts of darkness-shrouded debauchery.

4.) For some strange reason, “Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement” just became the suspense thriller of the summer. I mean, who will she marry? Why is she a princess? Why did they make a sequel?

5.) Billy Murray + Beer Goggles = Tom Cruise

6.) With enough alcohol, even the plot twist at the end of “The Village” can be surprising.

7.) During “Open Water,” learn to master the art of such solo drinking games as “drink every time someone loses a limb.”

8.) Alcohol will give you the confidence to shout out such clever quips as “Straight to video!” during an unpromising preview.

9.) Alcohol will give you the confidence to forcefully shush that person shouting “clever quips” during a preview.

10.) Suddenly, $7 for a small bag of popcorn seems reasonable.

11.) Sure, it’s a little like drinking alone in the dark. But, really, who cares when you have two fists full of vodka cranberry martinis and a stomach full of Miller Light, being one drink away from passing out in your cozy theater seats.

12.) And finally, did I mention that alcohol makes any event better?

Scott is currently passed out. E-mail him at jscott@media.ucla.edu.

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