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Filtered Incubus signed on at 7:43:21 PM.

God: Sup?

Filtered Incubus: You’re not showing up on my buddy list.

God: I’m hiding from someone.

Filtered Incubus: Who?

God: It’s Scott Stapp again, he won’t leave me alone and it’s getting irritating.

Filtered Incubus: Billions of people talk to you every day. He’s just one guy.

God: Ha! Just one guy, huh? Do you want to see the nonsense I put up with?

God: StApP 0F nAzArEtH: So fly around like you are Superman/given another chance/a different way to dance with true romance.

Filtered Incubus: ???

God: StApP 0F nAzArEtH: You set me free! To live my life! You became my reason to survive the great divide! I’ve cried out, “God give me answers!” You kept giving unselfishly, kept me from falling everywhere but my knees!

Filtered Incubus: Oh my.

God: It’s great when people appreciate the things I do, but I’m not down with this guy.

Filtered Incubus: He seems devout. What’s wrong with that?

God: Aside from being irritating, he has three strikes against him.

Filtered Incubus: Such as ...

God: First, he and his buddies bad-mouthed Pearl Jam. I’m not placing one band over another though; this is deeper. Mr. Stapp’s music is completely influenced by that band, all the way down to his singing voice. And I was OK with that when Scott Weiland did it in 1992.

Filtered Incubus: Why not Stapp?

God: On this new album he talks about accepting who he is, but is still hypocritical. All he has to say is, “Yes, I am influenced by Eddie Vedder’s singing.” The fact that he’s callously denying his influences shows an astonishing level of arrogance.

Filtered Incubus: Fair enough ... what else?

God: His Christ complex.

Filtered Incubus: Yeah, I remember you telling me about the video for “Higher.”

God: And how he wanted re-shoots to add more Christ-like poses? I almost tossed a lightning bolt at him, but figured the time wasn’t right to bring back fire and brimstone.

Filtered Incubus: Why does the Christ complex bother you?

God: If he were the son of God, I would’ve told him, but he acts like he is anyway. Since he left Creed it’s gotten worse. Now his songs aren’t subtle and he routinely calls out to me.

Filtered Incubus: What’s his third strike?

God: Singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” before Game 4 of the 2004 World Series.

Filtered Incubus: Oh wow, I remember that.

God: I was so distracted by him sounding like a mix of drunken Elvis and a wounded game animal that I almost lost my concentration on making the Red Sox win.

God: Oh bother. He’s found me.

Filtered Incubus: Can’t you hide on another screen name? Yahweh? Allah? Vishnu?

God: No ... that mischievous curmudgeon Lucifer declared himself a “hAx0R” and ratcheted their warning levels up to 100 percent.

Filtered Incubus: Well uh ...good luck I guess.

God: StApP 0F nAzArEtH: I will make a music video sequel to “With Arms Wide Open” where I pour alcohol all over my body and dive into a pool of lamb’s blood to symbolize my descent into sin and glorious rebirth on my new album, “The Great Divide,” currently $9.97 at Best Buy!

God: Ugh.

Filtered Incubus: I feel you.

God: Oh, also, be mindful of homeless people asking for change around ExpressMart. I may appear as one and test your compassion.

Filtered Incubus: You care about me that much?

God: Um, well, yes, but ... this excursion is more because I just can’t get enough of those Brown Bag refrigerated sandwiches.

Filtered Incubus: Oh. Well uh ...thanks for the heads-up. Toodles.

Filtered Incubus signed off at 8:18:12 PM.

If you think you’ve accidentally slighted The Man Upstairs while at ExpressMart, e-mail Humphrey at mhumphrey@media.ucla.edu, because he thinks he failed his test, too.