Challenges of finding life's ambrosia, following inner voice

Published: Monday, March 6, 1995

Adena Chung

When I go to magazine stands, I steal for a little while. At least that's what a friend of mine said the other day. He said, "You know, if you stand there and read the magazine and not buy it, that's stealing. That's what my parents used to say to me." So I guess that one was passed down.

He's got somewhat of a point but I told him I didn't care and continued to read. I go to magazine stands and check out who's gracing the covers. Then I read the astrological reports. I'm a Virgo, not on the cusp or anything, and that's just my sun sign. I've forgotten what my other four signs are, but you're supposed to know them to get a more full picture of your life and what you are all about.

I had read all the Virgo reports for February at the end of January and there was only one thing that really stuck in my mind. I was told I shouldn't make any drastic decisions in my life, that I'd be tempted to, but I shouldn't use the wisdom I've acquired over the years; that I've done that dance before and since I know what it's all about, I shouldn't make the same mistakes and get tripped up by the same folly again.

The problem with advice like that is it's hard to tell what's going on when you're in the middle of it all. It's hard to get a perspective on a situation in which you're a player.

But I'm not a religious follower of astrology, or of anything, for that matter. It just gives me something to think about from time to time.

I thought about it when I was in some major doldrums in the middle of January. I was in one of those moods in which I was thinking I should scrap everything I've built up so far and start over because things really aren't working the way I want them to. Maybe I should throw in the towel. My ex-boyfriend and current best friend used to always accuse me of being the towel-thrower whenever things in our relationship weren't A-OK.

I was in one of those moods where I just wanted to run away from everything I've known and everyone that knows me, run away to Twin Peaks and work in that diner where Dale Cooper used to always get his daily cup of joe and occasional pie.

I was feeling like this because nothing was going right and I was feeling like a freak. I was looking all around me and thinking gosh, I'm really not doing things the way I should be. I'm really kind of awkward here with my way of going about life, my way of thinking.

But there's always that inner voice that tells you what you really want to do. What you really should do. It's the voice that tells you not to call that guy again, that tells you that this should be your last drink, that you should keep on moving, don't look back and don't dwell.

I feel like a fish swimming upstream sometimes, but I just do what I think I should do. Pat me on the back and if you don't I'll pat myself. No really, I'm not looking for a medal or anything, I'm just thinking how there have been times where no one else has really been on the same wavelength as me, but I've just ridden it out and the payoffs have come around in the end.

So somehow I got through the January lull. I didn't run away, I didn't cut my hair, another one of those impulsive things I feel like doing when things are all weird, and I didn't go shopping. I did buy a bunch of CDs but that's normal for me. Everything's OK now. I feel like Stuart Smalley on "SNL". And people like me.

Not to be strange or take this "SNL" skit thing too far, but my dad did say to me that research has shown that one of the biggest stresses on a person can come from lack of love and attention. It can be very hard on a person. And I can totally see that.

I walked into work the other day and someone yelled out, "Oh my god, it's March already!" It's March already. And then it'll be April and May and September, my birthday, and then before I can do all the things I had slated for the summer, it'll be December already. Life sucks when you get older.

A good friend of mine said there were three things you need in life and they directly stimulate the pleasure center of the brain. Morphine is one, but we can't have that. The other two are sex and eating. There's actually a fourth which is like, hanging out with your friends and stuff, but that's kind of intangible.

Since you really can't get sex anytime you want, I guess it's narrowed down to just eating. But I don't know if I buy into this gig because there's just got to be more than that for me to be happy. I gotta have the ambrosia. The stuff that's not substance, in the way of matter. The stuff that floats in the spaces in between.

And I think what gets you there is different for everyone. Whatever it is, the common thread seems to be that it's got to make you feel good about yourself, about life. I was talking to a corporate executive type last weekend, actually not really so corporate at heart, and he told me why he finds his job fulfilling. He started out in life graduating with a master's in special education, which he said was greatly fulfilling. But now, working with a record label, he said art is fulfilling in a different way. Some people use art as an escape and other people find that they can find solace in art and say, "Hey, I'm not the only one who feels like that."

So read, listen, write, sing, run, eat, love. Find the ambrosia in this life because it's the only one you'll know and it goes by really fast if you don't pay attention. (It's March already.) And do what you think is right, all the time, even if you feel like no one's with you, because all the right you do will one day come back to you. The same goes for when you do wrong. Just remember that.

Chung is a senior English student. Her column runs on alternate Mondays.