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Sunday, June 9, 1996

Movie critic reveals sordid details just beyond silver screen

Time and chance have conspired to give me 30 minutes to write this, so I am sorry beforehand for everything. Important things take time to think about, and once thought about, they take even more time to express. So I am going to write about something which can be very useless, that is, the American entertainment industry. I just have some impressions, you know, nothing reasoned and polemical, just impressions.

The John Tesh Project just put out a single called "You Break It (You Pay For It)." John Tesh used to be the guy who co-hosted Entertainment Tonight with Mary Hart. They use a soft light and highlight Mary Hart's legs on that show. I used to watch it every night. Mary Hart's old co-host was this guy named Ron Hendren. I remember the episode where they said Ron Hendren would not be returning because his contract was not renewed. They brought in the weekend host, Rob Weller, as interim host until they found a replacement.

Then they found John Tesh.

You can buy this fucking John Tesh single, and while you're at it, why don't you grind some spit into the grave of Ron Hendren's career you very grateful, very reverent, American "fans."

What do you like in a movie? I myself don't know what I like in a movie. Rather I don't know what I want to see in a movie. There are lots of people who make movies who want to know what you want to see in a movie. For a long time they thought and still think that you want to see your favorite stars in hair-raising adventures.

Do you like Tom Cruise? I love Tom Cruise. What I love most about him is that he's a Scientologist. That means he pays an "auditor" a $1,000 to use an "O-Meter" which helps him figure out what's wrong with him, and if he recruits anyone else into the "Church," which is located on Hollywood Boulevard, he gets 15 percent of the profits that those converts bring to the "Church." I learned all this stuff at the 24-hour indoctrination center they keep open to the public on Hollywood Boulevard and somewhere around Vine.

When you watch a movie, do you care that people are in it? Do you ever think "Oh that's fake. No way. Uh-uh." Do you mind? I don't mind when Luke Skywalker crushes the Rancor monster's head with a well placed stone. I do mind twisters, and how asinine "Twister" was in its entirety. I do mind that they plucked Helen Hunt's eyebrows. (You can tell even from where I was sitting at the back of the theater.) Why? Oh you know, movie magic. Can we prominently put Jamie Gertz in a wet tank top and zoom-in on her breasts? I think we can.

I hate Hollywood (at the moment) because it hates and brutalizes women. Also because it thinks it has to spend $80 million on a movie. When you invest that much in something, you want it not to lose money, so you fire and rehire people, and reshoot, reshoot and reshoot until it pleases the customer ­ rather the customer will put out $7.50 to see the movie. Therefore, Hollywood cares as much about raising the issue of race relations, and is as intellectually equipped to give insight, as General Motors. Please think about this when you see "A Time to Kill" this summer.

I am out of time. I was glad to write movie reviews for you.

P.S. MTV is the most stupefying force in the history of electronic media. Kurt Loder hates you. Buy "You Break It (You Pay For It)" by the John Tesh Project, to show that you don't have to break something to pay for it.

O'Hara, who graduated fall quarter, wrote film and video reviews for Arts and Entertainment.