• printer friendly
• mail this article
• iPod format
• digg

Lampe is a senior news-editorial and English student and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.

By Heather Lampe

When I saw the piles of wet hair below my feet, I seriously thought the hair dresser would have to help me to my car. You see, on Monday I was possessed by some sort of demon who told me to chop off all my hair. Now, here I sit feeling like a sheared sheep with the realization that I can't handle change.

I've been told a million times that life is about change and that nothing ever stays the same. But despite how many sappy balladeers croon this message to me, I refuse to accept it. The only things I agree to change are my underwear and my sheets.

I have friends who enjoy change. They change their hair colors, their majors, their boyfriends, their jobs. They find excitement in new endeavors.

I'm the opposite. I revel in repetition. I marvel at monotony. I'm scared of the new. I welcome change the way I welcome toenail fungus.

Look at what happened when Coca-Cola tried to change to New Coke. Their sales dropped, and they had to bring back Classic Coke. Remember Crystal Pepsi? It tasted like hydrogen peroxide. Why don't these people know that you don't need to change a perfectly good thing?

Look at what happens when networks try to change the lead actors in their sitcoms. I was distraught and confused when they tried to infiltrate a new Becky into the "Roseanne" cast. And I'm still bewildered when I watch a marathon of "Bewitched" and they play two consecutive episodes with two different Darrens. She was a witch, she would have noticed.

Change doesn't work for entertainers either. Remember Debbie Gibson and her lovey-dovey songs from the 1980s? She is now Deborah Gibson. Last time I saw her on Regis and Kathie Lee, she was attempting her new alternative look. Debbie, it ain't gonna work. We remember.

And remember MC Hammer? He had everybody dancing around in those baggy harem pants. The last time I saw Mr. Hammer, he was trying to portray a gangsta rapper. MC, I'm sorry but how can you be taken seriously when several years ago, you had little white girls gyrating at suburban proms?

I think my fear of change may stem from living with my father. He isn't one for change either. When you enter his home, you are immediately escorted back to the 1970s.

The kitchen walls are covered in funky orange and brown boxy wallpaper. The appliances are avocado green. The counters are covered with that old Formica with little swirly patterns that look like ring worm.

Dad has a good job. He could actually buy new furnishings. But if he actually did get rid of the couch he's had since I was in second grade, it would mean he'd have to spend years lying on the new one until the lumps and springs bulged out perfectly. It would mean that my brothers would have to spend years perfecting the grape Kool-Aid and nacho cheese stains that cloak its cushions.

Change just requires too much work for me. It's too shocking for my system. It's possible that I could change my sedentary, lard-filled lifestyle, but I'd have to change my habits. Change like that also requires willpower, of which I have none. I can eat healthy for about a day until those french twist doughnuts start calling me from the refrigerator.

I suppose I must admit that there have been good changes which have come along. Computers have been a good thing, except that the technology changes every year. VCRs have been enjoyable, except that you have to be a rocket scientist to program them. Take-out and delivery food have alleviated my stress, except for the three out of four times the delivery man shows up drunk and late ... Hey, I'm trying to be positive.

I guess if I can't change, I will just have to live vicariously through my friends.

"Oh sure Elizabeth, I think a bald look would be really good for you ... Volunteering? With children? Geez, Laura, how about if I just give you some money? You can take them out for a Happy Meal ... You want to start running, Kelly? I don't know. How about if I just drive alongside you in the car and give you words of inspiration?"