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Katherine Tom is a fifth-year English student.

By Katherine Tom

People act silly when they're drunk. I consider myself somewhat of an expert on this subject, having spent extensive periods of time being both silly and drunk (usually the former and constantly the latter). So it makes sense to have a set of rules, established beforehand, in order to minimize the silliness factor of drunkenness (not that this is always desirable, but once in a while it is useful).

I have, over the years, devised my own set of guidelines for appropriate behavior while intoxicated, and although my friends and acquaintances still seem to think I act like a total moron when drunk, only I know how many times I have refrained from acting on my naturally moronic impulses.

While the old standbys "don't drink and drive" and "use a condom" still apply, my guidelines address the more esoteric aspects of behavior, like when and where to puke. So without further ado, Katherine's top 10 drinking rules:

1. On Scamming: Proceed with caution; the natural impulse is to hook up with everyone and everything in sight. Once the infamous beer goggles set in, you may find yourself incapable of distinguishing the cute guy/girl in the corner from the sofa.

Sometimes it is helpful to bring a lot of friends along, even if they have different taste than you do. Especially if they have different taste than you do (think ahead ­ a big brawl with your best friend over a potential one night stand is not a good thing).

The only drawback to using your friends as "skank patrol" is that if they're any fun whatsoever, when you most need their services, they will be passed out on the front lawn with various obscenities scrawled on their naked bodies in permanent pen. Either that or you'll end up with one or more of your friends, thereby eliminating their purpose as "skank patrol" (This brings to mind an interesting quandary. If you've promised your friend you won't let them get together with anyone gross, and yet as far as you know, they have little or no interest in you ... is it then your responsibility to stop them, warning them that you are in effect, gross and skanky?).

If you're braving the gauntlet solo, be sure to beware of the "crust factor." This is the theory stating that the friendliness associated with the initial or "buzzed" state of drunkenness is seen as an open invitation for crusty people of all persuasions to attach themselves to you.

Discourage them early on before you pass through the "beer goggle" stage straight into the "loss of coherent thought" and "blind desperation" stages. Otherwise you might do something you regret for the rest of your existence and on into the next life. Which brings us to rule No.2 ...

2. On Sex While Inebriated: Our biology plays a cruel joke on us ­ alcohol makes most people unbearably horny, simultaneously causing us to lose almost all sensation in our genitals. This inevitably leads to bad, awkward sex which lasts for about 15 minutes, after which both parties vomit and pass out for 15 hours.

Often during drunken sex, people find themselves incapable of recognizing or finding vital sexual organs. Foreplay is reduced to incompetent drunken groping, which would probably be painful if you weren't two beers away from unconsciousness.

But the prospect of bad sex, terrifying enough in itself, is greatly overshadowed by the potential for unsafe sex. So try try try to bring a condom with you when you plan on drinking. Because you won't want to bother finding one once you're drunk. And since your judgment is hazy to begin with, you might decide to take the jump.

And you don't want to risk your life for bad sex. You really don't.

And one more note of warning ­ make sure the penis is fully erect when using a condom. If the man/men involved in the encounter is drunk, he may not be at full mast.

Check. Use tact.

"Is that all?" is not considered sensitive or appropriate. Neither is collapsing in a fit of giggling. Additionally, it is neither polite nor graceful to yell down the hall, "Julie! You gotta see this! He's a freak!"

Remember that Mr. Stiffy has feelings too, and if you hurt them, you might not be getting any that night. At least not from that particular guy. Guys, try to remember that phrases like "You have great tits," and "You fuck a lot better than my girlfriend does," are not considered compliments by most women.

3. On Choosing Where to Sleep: This may not seem like a big issue, but it is in fact a decision plagued with hidden pitfalls. Try to avoid pools of vomit and other less identifiable liquids. Stay clear of areas with heavy traffic. When you're drunk, the staircase invariably appears to be the most comfortable place to fall asleep.

But before you snuggle up against the banister, inviting dozens of other drunken idiots to kick and trip over your slumbering body, ask yourself this simple question: "How often do I sleep on the staircase when I'm sober?" Above all, aim for comfort. Even though it doesn't make a bit of difference to you at the time, your body will feel the difference between the sofa and the floor in the morning.

If you sleep at a friend's place, make sure their intentions are honorable. You may find that you simply don't have the energy (or inclination) to fend off your horny big bro's advances(this goes for you guys too).

When beer-bonging, keg-standing or shotgunning, DON'T LAUGH. Beer up the nose is no fun.

4. On Puking: If your stomach feels weird at all, you might puke. Even if you're not a "puker," there's a first time for everything. If you think you're going to spew, try to pick a nice place. The toilet for example, a garbage can or some place outdoors.

If you go to sleep feeling funny, keep a receptacle by the bed. This is very important and takes about two seconds. Cleaning puke off your blankets and floor takes considerably longer. If you're in a loft or a top bunk, you're screwed. Try to wrangle a normal bed. Or sleep on the sofa.

Sleeping on the puke-free floor is still infinitely better than waking up in your formerly comfy bed covered in your own chunkage. Pardon my imagery.

Keep in mind that puking is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, if you are feeling really dizzy and weird, like you might pass out, you might want to stick your finger down your throat. You'll immediately feel a lot better. You will suddenly be capable of drinking more.

Similarly, if you feel sick to your stomach, you might as well make yourself throw up right away. Don't wait for it to happen naturally. You might not make it to the bathroom in time.

5. On Finances and Decision Making: Bars are big rip-offs. Economize. Pre-party. Don't bring more than a 20-dollar bill with you. No credit cards, or before you know it, you'll be buying your buddies and the nice people you met in the booth next to yours rounds of drinks, even after passing out on your way to the bathroom.

Don't make any major decisions while intoxicated. There is something about being drunk which makes you want to embark immediately on epic road trips. If this urge is not controlled, you may find yourself hitting every bar between Tijuana and Cabo in an uninsured rental car, on the quickest route to an overdrawn checking account. It could be days before judgment is regained, by which time state troopers have lined up on the U.S./Mexican border, looking for a car thief that eerily matches your description.

6. On Inappropriate Drunken Activities: Besides driving, there are a number of other activities which should be assiduously avoided by any but the foolhardy and reckless. This includes, but is not limited to: skiing, woodworking, applying lipstick, cutting hair and performing surgery.

Despite popular belief, drinking and studying do mix. Invent your own drinking game: for every chapter (or page) you finish, drink a beer. Every night is a drinking night, and it's never too soon to start celebrating (or attempting to forget) the results of your midterm. Picture your dead and finals weeks as a fortnight of binging and decadence and be pleasantly surprised when suddenly, instead of dreading the end of every quarter, you find yourself eagerly anticipating it.

Watch in wonder as stress miraculously disappears from your vocabulary and you become the "happy drunkard."

Drink lots of water before bed.

7. On Drinking More (too much is often too much): One of the beauties of being drunk is its perfectly cyclical nature. The more you drink, the more drunk you get; the more drunk you get, the more you want to drink. But one must be careful and not get carried away with the Zen perfection of this cycle; or one may find oneself spiraling quickly into alcohol poisoning. (hint: turning blue is bad). Remember, losing sensation in your feet and hands is not uncommon. Not being able to tell whether or not "it's in yet" is also somewhat normal. Not recognizing the fact that you are bleeding copiously from a particularly rowdy bar fight or really kinky sex is out of the ordinary. Moderation is not a word that I use very often, but when I use it, I mean it. Moderation. Learn when to "just say no."

8. On Mixing: Many people fear mixing. They think it leads to puking. People who laugh fearlessly in the face of death, will religiously follow the mantra, "beer then liquor, never sicker; liquor then beer, you're in the clear." This is all bullshit. If you drink too much you may puke, if you eat a big meal before drinking, you may puke. Sucking back a few Keystones before you do shots is not an instant ticket to the porcelain altar.

And reversing the order is not a guarantee that you'll go through the evening vomit-free. Fear of mixing is nothing but superstition (except when cheap champagne is involved, in which case a painful and agonizing death is not entirely out of the question).

Alcohol in any form works nicely with Mini-thins (available at the Country Store and most 7-Elevens), forming one of the nicest completely legal (for now) highs known to mankind. Mixing alcohol with pot will probably leave you immobile and mute, staring at the wall. You probably won't notice the effects of alcohol when you're dosing, but your friends will be happy to tell you all about it the next day. Alcohol with Codeine or Vicodin (or any other prescription painkiller you can get your hands on) is a very relaxing combo, guaranteed to make you happy, with the possible side effect of a two-day nap. For a long time, alcohol and No-Doz was my combo of choice ­ allowing me maximum drinking time before the inevitable crash (speed doesn't count because you're too fucked up and nervous to enjoy your drunkenness).

9. On Dramatic Confessions (my personal forte): Something about drinking a lot makes people (especially girls) burst out with embarrassingly personal statements, followed by hysterical tears. Try to avoid this. Think to yourself, "how drunk is the person I'm addressing?" If his/her eyes are still open and his/her mouth is closed, bad idea. Vice versa, go for it.

Also, try to keep in mind the question, "how does this look to the sober people?"

You don't want to attend future parties only to find that people are pointing at you and whispering. Don't tell the person you've been dating for a week that you love them. Don't tell your boy/girlfriend about that time you cheated on them. Don't break down sobbing during the slow dance, explaining to your partner, who you met exactly 12 minutes ago, that this was your song with your ex. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

Upside-down margaritas and sake bombs are Satan's tools. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

10. On remembering to pee: Often, when you're drunk, small things slip your mind. This forgetfulness, paired with the previously mentioned "genital numbness" conspire to make one forget the importance of regular visits to the bathroom. The need to urinate sneaks up on the best of us. Here is my dramatic re-enactment of what happens in your stomach:

Beer #1: Gee, It's kinda lonely down here. Beer #2: Heads up! Hey, how are you doing? Beer #1: Not bad, yourself? Beer #2: I'm okay. Let's hang out a bit, I think a buddy of ours is on his way. Margarita: hey guys, I'm here! Beer #1: All right! Want to ditch this place? Margarita: Hang on, we've got another visitor. Beer #3: Whew, I finally made it. Ready guys? All: Let's go! Whereupon, they simultaneously head towards your bladder, all four rushing madly to be the first to arrive.

And there you are, innocently thinking that you spaced your drinks effectively, when suddenly you're hit with the urge to pee immediately.

A special note for girls ­ if you feel even the slightest twinge of pee potential, run to the bathroom, where you will be greeted by the sight of numerous girls, standing in line, squirming uncomfortably.

A strange phenomenon occurs at all parties and bars, where an unnaturally large grouping of women in tight jeans and bodysuits all drink diuretic beverages and then discover concurrently that there is only one filthy rat-infested stall in the whole building.

Plan to spend the majority of your evening in the resulting line.

Happy drinking!