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Tuesday, April 1, 1997

LANGUAGE:

Useful skill requires intensive study, but it's worth it

Bullshitting is an art form. I say this with absolutely no sarcasm. Although many different techniques can be learned to improve your skills as a bullshitter, real talent can never be acquired by simply studying. Like any other art form, it requires intensive instruction and discipline Not just any schmoe can come off the streets and aspire to excel at bullshitting. The truly gifted bullshitters can amaze and astound with their abilities. Their capacity to weave empty and meaningless words into what may appear at first glance to be profound thoughts is pure enchantment. There are few of us who are so blessed.

Sadly though, we who are gifted bullshit with a heavy heart. We empathize with our less fortunate brethren and feel a responsibility to impart some of our wisdom unto them, not only because bullshitting is a beautiful method of expression, but also because it is a practical skill. It can be especially useful with college students who often haven't even read the syllabus for a particular class, let alone the books. But bullshitting should not solely be utilized in academic arenas. It can prove effi-

cacious in almost all situations; everywhere from job interviews to dialogues with remote family members, bullshitting is advantageous.

Circumlocution is the most utilized method of bullshitting. If used properly, it creates an imbroglio that most savants are too imperious to admit to. Pedanticism is essential to this technique. Yet, despite its notoriety, tautology is not the most prosperous technique. Rather, the key to good bullshitting is to use what you know. The more you know, the better off you are. If you don't know anything, then you could have a dilemma.In these instances you must rely on what others know. Here, bullshitting becomes intricate. Often, other people's knowledge is subjective, so the most reliable source is the audience. It becomes necessary to gather as much of their scholarly knowledge as is available. A good trick to this is to indoctrinate yourself as much as possible with information about the topic beforehand. Reading books or articles written or suggested by the audience about the topic is a good technique, but the easiest and perhaps most beneficial method is to simply listen to what they say. In classes this means paying close atten-

tion to the lectures of your professor and the discussions of your TAs.

As important as listening is asking questions. Contrary to the negative stigma of ignorance affiliated with asking questions, inquiries themselves can convey an esoteric intellectualism. The right questions present quandaries to the audience that are unanswerable. Academics view the unanswerable as profound and its speaker as wise. Don't be embarrassed to ask questions at a job interview or in a class. It reveals that you've been thinking about the subject and that you take it seriously. Questioning can also help discredit

conflicting arguments. It moves the focus from your own shallow thoughts to someone else's.

Confidence is also a significant aspect of bullshitting. Dubiety is lethal. One must create the illusion that one knows what one is talking about. For some this is innate. For others it must be inculcated in their psyche. One workable approach is to mimic the assuredness of great bullshitters of history. These great men and women are countless in the endless span of man's time on this planet. Their achievements affect every aspect of how all of us live our lives. These sagacious and puissant men and women include the marketers of Macintoshes, the inventor of Spam, half the screenwriters in Hollywood, the creator of those Mentos commercials and the totality of all politicians who have ever existed. They have triumphantly finessed people into believing that what they say is important and can improve our lives. This is the confidence that must be assumed to in order to bullshit properly.

But before you, the reader, embark on your own bullshitting endeavors, let me issue one word of caution. Bullshitting is not a game. It must be approached respectfully and wholeheartedly. Irresponsible bullshitting can not only lead to utter confusion and disenchantment but can thoroughly embarrass the bullshitter and ruin his or her entire existence. It can also give a bad name to bullshitting in general. This is why it is so discouraged by the masses.

But don't let this repel all of you potential bullshitters. Just be thoughtful about your actions and realize that although what you say may be utterly worthless, it will still affect others. You must venerate the art and show the reverence that bullshitting truly deserves.

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