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Monday, 6/23/97 Happiness may depend on familiarity with tradition COLUMN: Take time to learn the Bruin way - it makes a difference

There are certain things that every student must become accustomed to their first year at UCLA: lines halfway to San Diego to pay your registration fees, TAs you need a decoder ring to understand, and dorm food that tastes suspiciously like cat food. However, the insanity of these UCLA institutions pales next to that of the great Bruin athletic tradition. As an incoming freshman, I was not privy to all the secrets the athletic department holds. So, as a special service to everyone who is new to the Bruin family, I present, "Stuff You Might Not Know About Bruin Athletics." * You may notice these people who jump up and down in the stands with small blue beanies on at basketball games. They are not rabid deranged Smurfs. They are not jogging in place, exercising in Pauley because of the lack of room in the Wooden Center. They are just bona-fide Bruin basketball fans who really have nothing else better to do. (Having spirit is one thing, but do we have to sacrifice our dignity, people?) * Going to any football game at our scenic Rose Bowl is a harrowing yet exhilarating experience. First of all, don't expect to sit down. I did, and all it got me was a view of the drunk guy's butt in front of me. Be prepared to stand really, really, really close to someone you probably don't know on a metal bench the size of a balance beam. (This someone will most likely smell of beer, body odor or both.) * It is a well-known fact that the Wooden Center is not merely a gym. Oh, no. It's actually a meat market. More accurately, it's like one of those tanks at fancy restaurants where you get to pick out your lobster. If you are single, and looking for a mate, the Wooden Center is the place to be. On any given day, there are more bare muscles in there than there are in Playgirl magazine. * On that note, there are certain recreation classes that are prime locations for meeting someone. Guys, take a step or funk aerobics class. No matter how dumb you feel, it will pay off when you get the phone numbers of your classmates. Girls, I have two words for you: martial arts. These classes give you the opportunity to grapple and perhaps even act out some of your kinky dominatrix fantasies with guys. (You might even get to roll around on the floor with them, if you take judo.) * If you've watched any UCLA game on TV, you've probably heard this thing that sounds like a whole bunch of morons clapping together in rhythm. For your information, those are not just any morons, they're Bruins. That thing they do is called the eight-clap; it's one of the greatest Bruin traditions (along with the @#&* 'SC chant). If you don't learn it by second week, you will be expelled. Really. * No matter what, DO NOT LEAVE ANY GAME EARLY. We "gutty little Bruins" have the tendency to either surmount huge leads or give them up. Some friends of mine had the misfortune of leaving the '96 USC-UCLA football game eight minutes early. They ended up listening to the Bruins' comeback on their car radio in the parking lot of Taco Bell, crying into their Nacho Supremes. Don't let this happen to you. * Unless you slept outside the Central Ticket Office (or with Peter Dalis), you probably didn't get your Student Sports Package. So, you don't have tickets to all of the basketball and football games this season. Never fear. I, as a FREE service to you, will provide some easy ways to go to every game for FREE. Even the away ones! For instance, every team has athletic trainers. If you become one, you get to help with team injuries (which means getting to put your hands all over your favorite UCLA athlete). You also get free tickets, travel, and accommodations for every game. An added bonus: if your team wins a NCAA championship, you get a ring! Another way to get into every game free is to join our beloved Spirit Squad, which consists of the cheerleaders, dance team, yell crew, and mascots. You get the same benefits as the trainers, plus lots of free Reebok stuff. There's also some nifty pom-poms, a giant bear costume, or a pretty darn fashionable blue and yellow striped shirt in it for you. The best thing is, you don't have to pay for any of it. * Since we have some of the best facilities around, sports celebrities are often seen around campus. UCLA students have perfected the art of noticing a celebrity while pretending not to notice. We are too jaded and laid back to gawk at Magic Johnson while he practices at Pauley (Hint: Magic can usually be seen on Tuesday's in the Men's Gym.). So, if you happen to see super-gymnast/Kappa Alpha Theta Kerri Strug in Yates Gym, resist the urge to ask her how that ankle's doing. Just walk by like you never saw her. * Basketball is a religion here. You think I'm joking, don't you? I'm not. John Wooden was like the Messiah; some people still believe he'll come back. Others see the Second Coming in Steve "I'm so sensitive, I cry at K-Mart openings" Lavin. Lavin has his starting lineup, or apostles, if you prefer. There's Jelani McCoy, our bishop of blocks; J.R. Henderson, the pope of the post; and Toby Bailey, a beautiful god among men if I ever saw one. (Oh yeah, and he's got a three-point shot that's as pretty as his eyes.) Add in Baron Davis, our potential savior, plus angelic Schea Cotton, and you're in UCLA heaven. You didn't think Bruin sports could be so complicated, did you? It's okay. Just remember three things: love UCLA, hate USC, and the men's basketball team will be in the Final Four next year (guaranteed). So, this is me, signing off. Have an easier first year than I did; watch out for the constantly packed basketball courts by the dorms, organic chemistry, and the psycho squirrels. Mack is a second-year physiological sciences student and the assistant sports editor for the '97-'98 school year. Confused freshmen can reach her at tmack@media.ucla.edu. Traci Mack