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Monday, 6/23/97 Do and don't list to help you through this summer EDUCATION: Advice for academic success, ways to utilize campus, allows students to choose right path

Hi! Welcome to Summer Session! I attended UCLA's Summer Session once and, in a strange way, I envy you. Of course, the fact that I'm writing this article over a cup of cappuccino at a sunny bistro on Rue St. Michele in Paris and that I'll be submitting it via modem (the article, not the cappuccino) somewhat dampens my envy. Oh, how I do enjoy that first class on the first day of a new quarter, strolling (or sprinting, depending on which side of the 12 the big hand is) down the halls of buildings named after some remarkably important person: like Eddie Murphy, Jane Pauley, Michael Kinsey or Dennis Franz. (One name I don't get: The Wooden Center. I swear, it looks like it's made of concrete to me.) You can smell the higher academia in the air as you walk into a strange, new classroom full of strange new people (or strange people you already know), and realize that the 14-year-old-looking guy in the board shorts and flip-flops is actually your new professor. For the benefit of those of you who are newcomers to our fine institution, I had intended on compiling a list of do's and don't's for academic success. But I realized the do's and don't's list approach to writing an orientation article has been done more times than that USC student who got herself into the Guinness Book of World Records for ... well, enough about that ... let's just say it's been done. So, here's my twist, I'll combine all of the do's and don't's into one big list and let you figure it out. In keeping with the spirit of academic endeavor, if you e-mail me (daughert@ucla.edu) a list of which is which, I'll send you a lovely token of my admiration. The first person to get them all right wins an autographed photo. I'm dead serious! Ready? Begin: Do/Don't: Get on-line if you aren't already. UCLA offers a terrific package called Bruin OnLine (BOL). It's available at the bookstore for a nominal fee and comes with all the software you will need to become master of the Internet. Even if you don't have a computer, get a BOL account. There are computer labs all over campus where you can do on-line research, write papers, check out the web and send or receive e-mail. I am pleased to add that the BOL's technical support people (310-825-7452) are top notch. Do/Don't: Walk into class and assert yourself as the alpha male of the group, even if you're neither alpha nor male. Refer to your fellow students as litter mates. Pee on your seat so everyone will respect your boundaries. Then, pee on the lectern (I said lectern, not lecturer). Do/Don't: Find out how to contact the professor. Some encourage their students to use e-mail. Others are actually daring enough to give out their home numbers. In either case, you may find that having these off-hour options is invaluable when you are writing a paper or cramming for a test, or when you just have a general question. Do/Don't: Cut to the chase. Invariably, on the first day of class the professor will give you a syllabus, then s-l-o-w-l-y read the entire thing to you word for word. This is a great time to let everyone know who you are. Say something like this: "Hey man, I know how to read. Can we get started? I don't have all day." Your professor will appreciate the fact that you are eager to learn. Your fellow students will admire your scholastic initiative. Do/Don't: Take advantage of office hours. They are an invaluable opportunity to expand your understanding on the curriculum and to become something other than another face in the crowd. Do/Don't: Publicly challenge your TA to an arm-wrestling match. Do/Don't: Get to know what UCLA has to offer academically. You'll be amazed. One of the great things about being at this university is that we have access to thousands of professionals who have made it their life's endeavor to figure out fairly complicated stuff, like how to kill retroviruses or parse Proust. You've heard the phrase, "He wrote the book on (insert topic)." Around here it might not necessarily be a figurative statement. Do/Don't: Read the Daily Bruin during lectures. Professors hate it! Do/Don't: Plagiarize. I know an incredibly foolish guy who got expelled from another university for plagiarism. His act of supreme stupidity went on his transcript and he couldn't get into another school. It truly and substantially affected his life in ways you would never imagine. You are better off dropping the stinking class, or even withdrawing from the entire quarter, than committing an act of plagiarism. When in doubt, ask. Do/Don't: Neutralize the jerk. In every class there is at least one. He is the one who yells, "Focus!" while you're watching a video, has a copy of Cigar Aficionado conspicuously jutting from his backpack, stinks of CK and says, "That's my name, Don't wear it out" when the professor takes attendance. Once you figure out who the jerk is, put a contract out on his life (Caveat: Sometimes, when you are really lucky, there are two jerks in the same class, in which case don't worry about the contract; they'll take care of each other). Do/Don't: Take advantage of your summer enrollment to save a lot of money on computer equipment and software. You'll find that on many items the Bruin store's prices are unbeatable. Do/Don't: Get to know your professor really, really well. A nice Mont Blanc makes for a great icebreaker. Run their credit report and pay off all their debts. Print your papers on the back sides of Disney stock certificates. Have one of those mobile auto detailers wash and wax their car while they are in class. Don't forget the tires and air freshener. Do/Don't: Lay low for the first few days. If this is your first time at a university, realize that things happen a little differently here. What may have been acceptable elsewhere may not go over as well here. DO NOT bring your high school athletic trophies to class. DO NOT attempt to give your new TA a melvin. DO NOT start slathering your entire body with coconut-scented tanning lotion five minutes before class ends. Also, picking your teeth with a huge bowie knife is considered gauche. Do/Don't: Neutralize the kiss-ass. In every class there is at least one. You will recognize this person by the following description: Sits front-row center straining out-of-seat waving hand inches from professor's face and going, "Ooh, ooh, I know, I know." This person will repeat, in the form of a question, every other point the professor makes, such as: Professor: The Battle of Hastings was fought in 1066. Kiss-ass: So, basically you're saying that the Battle of Hastings was fought in 1066? This person must be stopped. Just before class, call Domino's and order the stinkiest anchovy pizza they can make. Have it delivered to the kiss-ass midlecture. Do/Don't: Stick up for yourself. If you feel you're being treated poorly by anyone at UCLA, consult a mediator. UCLA is quite specific about the types of behavior that are and are not acceptable. For further reading, consult the General Catalog or visit the web site at http://www.ucla.edu/student/catalog/RegulationsandPolicies.html. Do/Don't: Fake your professor into thinking you are one of his or her peers. Circulate a bogus CV (curriculum vitae, not a resume) that boasts a half dozen advanced degrees. Start every sentence: "When I was at Cambridge ...." Do/Don't: Remember that someone, somewhere at UCLA goes to work every day solely for the purpose of helping you deal with whatever your problem at the moment happens to be. If you have a question about your health, there's Student Health Services (825-4703). If you have a question about your sanity, there's Student Psychological Services (825-0768). If you need legal assistance, you guessed it, Student Legal Services (825-9894). If you're having trouble with your studies, there are dozens of groups that can assist you with counseling or getting you started with a tutor. Call Student Academic Services (825-0171). Can't stop crying? Helpline Counseling (825-HELP). Professor hitting on you? Ombuds (825-7627). Bogus parking ticket? Citation Review Office (825-2029). Maniac roommate? Office of Residential Life (825-3401). Need money? Student Loan Services (825-9864). Need a job to pay back Student Loan Services? Career Center (206-7774). As I said, these departments exist to help you get through the quarter, so don't hesitate to call should the need arise. Do/Don't: Take advantage of the new communications revolution: use your cellular telephone during a midterm or final to call a knowledgeable friend who can help you answer those especially challenging questions. "Hi, it's me, what happened in 1066?" Ask your professor to schedule exams during off-peak hours so your calls won't cost as much. Do/Don't: Above all, have a super-cool summer. Michael Daughtery Related Links: Student Health Service Student Psychological Services Student Legal Services Ombudsman Office of Residential Life Student Loan Services Career Center Search for more UCLA Sites at Search UCLA