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Monday, 6/23/97 Exposing the truth behind some myths about UCLA FOLKLORE: Campus' own 'troubleshooter' reveals orientation lies

Bruins! Greetings and happy second day of summer. It is with great Viewpoint pleasure that I present this column to you Summer Bruin readers, since it is the only column I am scheduled to contribute this summer. (Dry those tears; I'll be back this fall.) You may be asking yourself why a fall columnist would contribute a column to the Summer Bruin. The obvious answer would be that Jioni Palmer (Viewpoint editor) commanded me to (and that I fear him in a way that I never feared last year's passive-resistant editor Geoff Martin) so I acquiesced, but in the interest of making myself come off as a man with a plan I will provide another plausible reason: The people asked! No? OK, one guy sort of suggested that he might like to read a summer column from me. OK, I made that one up, too. The real reason I am writing a summer column is that I hold the key to unlocking countless UCLA mysteries, and I can't take a break from writing even for the summer (especially when I'm threatened by Jioni). In the past I have referred to myself as UCLA's troubleshooter, philanthropist, reader, friend and even the Valentine to the Valentine-less (although none of those names seemed to stick like the Skinny White Jackass thing). When you go around touting yourself as a man of such prowess, you had better be ready to back it up by making a difference (unless you're that fat guy on Channel 2 who just goes around with a camera being obnoxious and harassing people). So what service am I providing to the campus today? As the King of Timeliness (look, another moniker that is sure to be brushed aside into the shadow of the Skinny White Jackass nonsense) today I will be tackling the issue of freshman orientation lies. Please note: If you are an incoming freshman, you may wish to stop reading at this point as this column will blow the lid off of the filthy lies perpetrated by the UCLA orientation staff. (That last sentence should be read aloud in your best "Hard Copy" voice. Go ahead: Read it out loud. No one will mock you, I promise.) If you are a seasoned reader, you know that my columns are (as one drunken "fan" so eloquently put it once at a party) "total bullshit" and you know better than to expect great things from Viewpoint in genera1 (and yours truly in particular). OK, Bring back that "Hard Copy" voice, because you'll need it for these next two sentences. Forget what you THINK you know, because all of that is about to change. Today Viewpoint reaches deeper, searches harder and brings YOU the hard facts about UCLA's Summer Orientation Program. (Thank you. That concludes the oral portion of the column.) Many of you probably attended the orientation at some time in your past, a few of you may be about to enter the orientation program and still more of you may not fit into either of those categories. For those of you in this third, "orientation-ignorant" group, you'll just have to trust me - this stuff is funny. (Go ahead, ask that guy over there who's still staring at you for reading aloud like the announcer on "Hard Copy.") Those of you who attended freshman orientation at this esteemed institution of higher education will recall that an important part of the orientation process is the campus tour. This tour allows the students to become acquainted with the campus, but it is also the breeding ground for some of the ugliest lies UCLA has to offer. Today I will expose four of those lies, and (oh, he won't stop there, folks!) I will present the truth that lies buried beneath each lie. The Bunche Hall Myth: As you may recall, orientation counselors tell a story of a Bunche Hall which once ran north and south instead of east and west (as it now sits on our campus). The counselors (nay, prevaricators) assert that the reflection of the sun off of Bunche Hall used to blind drivers on the 405, so in the 1960s a crew of helicopters was called in to lift the building and turn it 90 degrees. Do we all understand that this is a lie? Good. Would we like to know the truth? 0f course. As it turns out, Bunche Hall was indeed turned in the late 1960s, but it was not by helicopters (as your friendly orientation counselor would have you believe). No, Bunche Hall was lifted and turned by a group of angry TAs who "reasoned" that turning a building would be a good way to gain recognition for their union, which they called SAGE. (I suppose it is unnecessary to mention that moving Bunche was as unsuccessful at gaining recognition as their later idea to merge with the United Auto Workers.) The Franz Hall Myth: The sickos who run the orientation program here have a little story they like to tell about Franz Hall, too. Maybe you remember it: Franz Hall and the Inverted Fountain were designed by a USC graduate who intentionally created Franz Hall and the fountain to look like a toilet. LIE! I did a little bit of investigative work, and I learned that Franz Hall and the Inverted Fountain were designed by a UCLA graduate who drew them to resemble a toilet in order to remind all Bruins that a degree in psychology will only get you a shitty job. (Check my tagline to learn why this is one lie I wish I hadn't exposed.) The Nude Statue Myth: (This is one of my persona1 favorites.) The story at orientation is that the URSA lady posed for the statue of the large naked woman in the Sculpture Garden. (You know the one, right?) I happen to be a big fan of URSA, and I was personally insulted by this lie, so I made it my mission to learn the truth about the "URSA Statue." The truth? It wasn't URSA who posed naked for that sculpture, but former Chancellor Charles Young. The Janss Steps Myth: Everybody knows Janss Steps, right? The big staircase that runs down from Royce and Powell to where the Towell tent used to be? OK, good. If you happen upon a UCLA orientation tour passing those steps you will hear an ominous story about the Janss brothers and the eventual demise of, I forget, let's say the youngest one. The lie? This very un-alive Janss fellow is buried underneath one of those steps (and that's why you aren't supposed to step on the fifth step). But watch out, this lie's a two-parter. The story also goes that step No. 5 is chipped because USC students like to come in the middle of the night to try and dig up Mr. Janss. Fortunately for me, this lie required no research, because I know the facts about the Janss Steps. (And quite frankly, I really wore myself out with the troubleshooter bit trying to expose those first three lies. I don't know how that Channel 2 guy stays so fat; troubleshooting is good exercise.) I don't know much about the Janss brothers, so I can't tell you why those steps are named for them (although if I had to guess I'd say that they paid the university a big chunk of money). But I DO know who is buried under those steps: Old Joe Bruin. When they replaced happy Old Joe last year with the monster you see on your UCLA sweatshirt, I was so outraged that they tried to hide the Old Joe costume from me by burying it under Janss Steps. But I know he's under there, and you better believe it's not USC students who are trying to dig him up. Like I said before, troubleshooting (and exposing lies) is hard work, so I'm off to go sleep my summer away. I'll be back in Fall Quarter (Monday of first week, so enjoy summer school and I'll see y'all then. But before I go there is one last truth I need to pass on (and one that you needn't forget): Viewpoint columnists always accept gratuities. Justin Horey Previous Daily Bruin Stories All Bruins have Ms. Right's number, November 18, 1996 UCLA diversity myth shattered by growing ethnic divisionJune 10, 1996