A Christmas
gift list for
the naughty
and the nice
Chris Schreiber
As the winter break approaches, and what with this being the last issue of the paper in 1994 and all, I'm starting to get nostalgic. 1994 has been quite a year, top to bottom, filled with its share of memories made on the college sports fields and courts of the country.
Like me, Santa Claus has been reflecting on the year in sports and as the old saying goes, he knows who's been naughty and nice. And because Santa and I are tight, well, he's given me a sneak preview of what some people can expect in their stockings on Christmas morning. A sampling:
Joe Blair, center, Arizona basketball team: A report card. Stapled to some coal. (If he's good next year, a See-and-Say might be in the works.)
The UCLA men's basketball team: A tailor to hem their shorts.
The UCLA women's basketball team: An 8x10 glossy of Natalie Williams, signed, "Wish I could be there. But not as bad as you do."
Colorado head football coach Rick Neuheisel: Certificate of achievement. Stapled to a box of Kleenex (saying goodbye to Rashan Salaam will be teary.)
Linebacker Donnie Edwards: The time and place of the NFL combine. Stapled to a plane ticket.
UCLA freshman J.R. Henderson: A lottery ticket.
The UCLA men's soccer team: A bullet. Stapled to a note from Santa "Keep dodgin' it, guys."
Jesse Jackson: A line. Stapled to a note "Get in it."
John Wooden: Notice from the Pope he is being considered for Sainthood.
Cherokee Parks: A gift certificate to SuperCuts.
The men's swimming and gymnastics teams: Pink Floyd album Wish You Were Here.
Wisconsin tailback Brent Moss: A monopoly set (with extra get-out-of-jail-free cards).
The Oregon football team: The Penn State playbook (they'll need it).
J. J. Stokes: A gold pen. Stapled to a phat first-round NFL contract for him to sign.
Rob Johnson: Hee hee hee. A Notre Dame pennant and UCLA cap. Stapled to a box of Wheaties (the best he can ever hope for from the breakfast of champions is to eat it).
USC cheerleaders: A note from the Beverly Hills Board of Plastic Surgeons "Thanks for the business!" Stapled to a reminder from Wolff Tanning Salons "Next appointment is in two weeks!"
Steve McNair, Alcorn State quarterback: The Heisman Trophy. Stapled to a note that says, "You've been playing against stiffs all year. Now here's one for your mantle."
Jim Harrick: A high-tech, Golden Hurricane warning system.
Arizona Wildcat football team: Black roses. Stapled to a note "See you next year. Oh, wait, probably not. Love, Tournament of Roses."
UCLA women's volleyball team: Seven-pack of Seven-Up.
Terry Donahue: Fisher-Price View Finder with two cartridges. Will serve as UCLA's highlight reel for 1994 season.
Washington football team: Subpoena to appear in People's Court, where they will appear as plaintiff in suit against Pac-10. Contingent upon season in which they don't suck.
Santa handed me this list, of course, under the pretense that I reveal only a partial list. After all, it wouldn't be fair for me to tell you that he was giving the Clippers a record-breaking season or that Damon Stoudamire was so good this year he was getting two gifts a Marie Callender's Humble Pie and a big box of Oxy-10.
So I agreed, and Santa flew off with his eight tiny reindeer, yelling, "Merry Christmas to all, my butt's asleep I've been flying this thing so long."