Thursday, December 5, 1996
DATING:
Research reveals how opposite sexes view one anotherThe love goddess has returned (sarcasm Bruins, sarcasm). I promised Part II of the Dating series, so here it is. This is where all the juicy stuff comes in. My study was conducted on Latinos, but as I said before, these issues regarding dating affect all of us.
It was also a heterosexual sample so I deal solely with heterosexual issues. Logistical factors, such as a smaller population and "out" issues, complicate homosexual dating, but I believe that I deal with topics (communication, dating expectations and perceptions) that apply there as well.
When I began my study, I hypothesized that Latinos were reluctant to date one another at UCLA. This was based on personal experience and conversations with friends and acquaintances, both male and female.
In discussing dating with friends of other nationalities, I found that Indian and Jewish Persian women saw the same things going on, so I knew the issues were not just cultural.
Communication
In my research I found that men find it difficult to tell when a woman is interested in them romantically. Half of male respondents said they could not interpret the intentions (flirtation, a date, a relationship) of women, while women were confident that they were reading men correctly.
Although women found it easy to interpret intentions, they felt that it is difficult to know where they stand, when in a relationship.
Oftentimes, men and women speak different languages and this leads to conflict. One way to alleviate this situation is to consult a platonic friend of the opposite sex. Women read other women very well. "She's flirting with you. She wants you bad." Oftentimes guys serve as interpreters as well. "But what does it mean if he takes me to the movies with his parents?" Communication problems can be overcome. Follow your instincts, people. Just make sure he/she is not already enamored.
Through research, I found that guys don't know how to approach girls on campus. "Hey, aren't you that cool Viewpoint writer?" would work well. But honestly, "Can I borrow your notes? Did you want to study for our final? Would you like a ride home?" would all work nicely for both men and women. But don't assume that such an offer is automatically a come-on. I do need notes. Go ahead, ask that attractive person in your discussion or lab for their phone number.
Just do it before the quarter is over.
Perceptions
Perceptions that we hold of each other also affect dating relationships. Latinas and Latinos have great conflicts here.
Negative perceptions of each other seemed to be the only things we could agree on. Latinas view college men as very immature. Both men and women agreed that Latinos were reluctant to drop a macho image. In all honesty, immature jerks are never attractive.
The nice guys complain that women always fall for the assholes. But the assholes are the only ones who approach us. Nice guys always stand on the sidelines when it's you that we all want to go out with.
How to tell if you're a nice guy or a loser? Ask a female friend. If they often tell you what a catch you are, then you're a nice guy. If you have no female friends, well then you are in the loser/creep category.
Part of this reluctance to approach women stems from the male perception that Latinas have high expectations. They're right. We do. Latinas reported themselves as being highly selective when dating.
But it's not that men don't meet expectations (I could name a number meeting my criteria), but that they don't ask us out, and we don't know how to encourage them.
Yeah, I know "It's the '90s." But we women have already tried being the aggressor, only to find out that it turns you off. If you don't have balls enough to ask me out then I don't want to date you. In reality, guys often feel threatened by women who go after what they want. Once you know you have us you lose interest, so we've given up on asking you out unless it's a couples party or a formal.
Women were viewed as friendly and approachable, although many men felt that Latinas were stuck-up and conceited within dating situations. Again this goes back to the fear that they aren't meeting our standards. Women viewed men as insecure, and infuriating for their lack of action. One woman said, "I thought college guys would have no problem asking girls out. Instead they do it in the same backwards way they did in high school. I expected more."
Expectations
In the final analysis, the majority of free answer responses dealt with dating expectations. As a generation, the rules of dating have always been lax for us, from "going around" in grade school, to going Dutch and girls asking guys to the Prom.
But the lack of definitions, allowing for flexibility, adds to this confusion. A columnist once wrote that sharing Haagen Dazs or going into Westwood constituted a date. So two people going to the dry cleaners constitutes a date?
A freshman once hypothesized that "intention" determined a date. By this definition two people could easily have lunch together, and one considers it a date while the other considers it lunch.
We have to set-up guidelines. I don't know what these would be but here's some criteria: two-person limit, said "couple" must be alone, flirtation must occur frequently, they must be away from home and stay out for a period of at least two hours, the "date" must include eating and/or possibly attending an event.
There are traditional courtship practices within the Latino community which many men believe to be expected of them. Although it would be nice if a guy paid for everything and brought me flowers, I do not expect this. Neither do most women on this campus. Going Dutch is a common practice, and a nice time is all anyone really expects.
Going to a free concert with someone I like would be more fun than an $80 dinner with a boor or a jerk.
Women respondents (100 percent) defined a date as "getting to know someone," while only 42 percent of men agreed with this definition. The majority of female respondents were immigrants and were more likely to identify with the mainstream view of casual dating. Males in my study were largely first-generation American and were more likely to identify with formal courting practices.
In other words, guys are stressing out about expectations they believe women hold, which are unfounded. Latinos put pressures upon themselves believing that we are looking for husbands, when all anyone would like is a nice time and maybe a boyfriend or a steady date.
(Beware, because there are some husband and wife seekers out there.)
Other cultural expectations, such as cultural compatibility, "down-ness" measurements, and similarities influence dating. One fourth-generation respondent feared Latinas would not date him because he doesn't speak Spanish. (75 percent of Latinas would.)
While men focused upon cultural expectations, women were concerned with sexual expectations. A study done in Texas (Rouse 1988) found that Latinas reported "high" sexual pressure from male partners. This was reflected in my study as well. One woman asked, "When the sexual aspect of a relationship ends, does the relationship end also?" Some women felt that men were only interested in sexual relationships, while men disagreed. Men did value the sexual aspect of dating more (42 percent referring to it as "vital" compared to 20 percent of women).
In all, I found that there is a reluctance to date even those people we are attracted to. As one woman put it "Why will a guy (Latino) like a girl (Latina), and then do nothing about it?" I hope after all the information I've given you, we can begin to answer that question. Happy Dating Bruins. Good Luck on Finals.
Almost forgot. I wrote a response to MEChA after their Nov. 18 article published in The Bruin. I was given the option of printing the response or one of my columns. I wasn't going to allow them to deny me a column so I'll respond here. Thank You for proving more than I could have with the ways that you judge and categorize Latinos on this campus.
Your petty accusations illustrated how MEChA's self-righteous attitudes continue to divide UCLA Latinos.
In regards to the Raza Youth Conference, Patty R., my co-chair for 1995 (not '94) parent conference can take full credit for the two parents who showed up to see Patty, Patty's Dad, Patty's Mom, Patty's sister, and Patty's sister's boyfriend speak. Insofar as you accuse me of "not lifting a finger," I'm sure you are talking about the folder stuffing, two days before the conference that I was never told about. If you'd like the full response, e-mail me at nguzman@ucla.edu or at viewpoint@media.asucla.edu.