Monday, July 1, 1996

Experienced Bruin dispels dorm myths

When I first got into UCLA, I thought I was in paradise. Finally, I was beginning my new life as a Bruin, far away from my parents and all of those dorks in high school who were now scrambling for jobs at McDonald's and looking for a cool community college where they could all kick it and try to look cool together. HA! BASTARDS! Maybe ya should have taken a few advanced placement classes, ya think? Fuckers! Sorry about that, I'm still a little bitter.

Anyway, while I love UCLA, I wish people had told me about me about a couple of things about life here that might have made my transition a little easier. Since this is the Orientation issue and a few of you unsuspecting freshmen may take a glance at my column, I figured I'd put my vast experience as a third-year student to good use and let ya'll know a few harsh realities about life here on campus. First, let's dispel a few myths about college.

1. Dorm food sucks.

It does. There's a reason why Taco Bell and Panda Express do so well on campus even with their jacked up prices. It's called Rieber Hall's Funky Kung Pao Chicken and any of Sproul Hall's food. Whoever invented the hot dog chili needs to be shot. And what the hell is Fried Pollack, anyways? I feel so racist every time I order it. The only food items I've ever enjoyed eating mass quantities of at the residence halls were the salad and the jello. This is because lettuce has no taste and jello, well, hell, everybody loves jello!

2. Your roommate will be your best friend.

While most roommate relations are relatively smooth, expect problems. Remember, you're gonna be sharing a room the size of a large shoe box with a person you have never met before for nine long months. Basically, if you want to avoid conflict with your roommate bring any troubling issue out in the open and talk about it. You don't enjoy the fact that your 300-pound roommate likes to walk around butt-naked? Discuss it. You don't appreciate the fact that your roommate likes to masturbate in your closet? Begin a frank dialogue. Your roommate likes to stab a large pillow that has your name stenciled in red ink with a large butcher knife? Move out. Satanic altars and 8-foot bongs are good tip offs of oncoming trouble.

3. Dorm showers aren't that bad.

Okay, before I started school, some of my friends told me there might be a slight chance that I would develop a trifling case of athlete's foot ­ no one told me I'd have fucking mushrooms growing on my toes by the end of fall quarter. I thought my feet were gonna fall off. My advice: Buy thongs now!

And for you women out there, watch out for them peeping toms. Every year some pervert gets it in his head that the best way to impress a girl is by spying on them while they're half-blind with soap and water. Ladies, buy mace now. It makes a very good discourager for peeping toms and is also very useful at parties.

4. UCLA = ORGY

Forget it. Like most of you out there, I thought for sure my first year would be a constant bed-burning experience. I was convinced that I was gonna triple Trojan's condom's stock personally. Needless to say, I was slightly mistaken.

Most of my first year was spent just trying to fit in, meet new people, pass most of classes and not land in the tormenting land of academic probation my first year. But don't worry, your second year will be great! Trust me.

5. Drugs and alcohol are everywhere.

While there is a very large drug culture on campus and alcohol is pretty much everywhere, beer is not served alongside your Rieber Crystal Light Lemonade, and weed does not have its own shaker nestled between the salt and pepper.

If you are an aficionado of these particular substances (Lord knows I don't touch the stuff!), you have to look in the right places, know the right people, have the right connections and know my pager number. Just kidding, guys! I don't even have a pager! (That number again is 765-4321 area code 1-900.)

Anyways, that should cover most of the important stuff, everything else you're gonna have to figure out by yourself. Just don't panic, relax, drink a smoothie, grab a Diddy Riese ice-cream sandwich and go watch a free movie at Ackerman. College will be the best experience of your life, and UCLA is the best school in the country. Later, peace and hair grease.

Torres is a third-year psychology student who specializes in avoiding freaks on Bruin Walk.

Illustration by Steve Redd/Daily Bruin