Sunday, July 28, 1996
Squirrels threaten internal breach of campus security
Only a few things on this earth truly terrify me: AIDS, spiders, chemistry tests, hairy men in Speedos and squirrels. But out of all of them, I think that squirrels are the worst. I'll tell you why. There I was, sitting in front of the Men's Gym, happily eating my tantalizing, painfully-expensive Taco Supreme bought with some change I had to scrounge around for in the dustbunny-filled space under my bed.
A sudden strange chirping noise came from the bushes to my left. Startled, I quickly turned my head in the direction of the noise, dropping my tasty taco in my surprise onto the dirty floor. SPLAT! "Shit," I thought, staring in disbelief at my cracked taco lying pitifully in a mound of leaves and various bug parts, "there goes a good buck's worth of food." Before I could manage another thought, it suddenly darted out of the bushes squealing like Michael Jackson. A scurrying mass of mangy fur and a pair of black, soulless beady eyes were all my eyes registered as the little monster hurried towards me. My mind was spinning as I leapt out of the way. I put my backpack in front of my head in case it decided to jump on my face and ran down to Towell at a speed that would have made a UCLA track coach proud.
After a few minutes, I caught my breath and gathered my courage to go back and get my backpack. My backpack lay there, untouched, but my once-beloved, recently-crushed taco was missing. Then, I heard that chirping noise again, from up above in a nearby tree. There, squatting imperiously on a branch like a furry Jabba the Hut, was the fattest, foulest squirrel ever to crawl out of the rodent family. It looked at me with a sly, evil smirk on its face as his glistening, foaming jaws chomped on my prized taco, which was tightly gripped between his greasy paws. Little fat bastard. Angrily, I pulled my chemistry book out so I could chuck it at his tiny head. No, dummy, I thought to myself, you need this book. What else are you going to use to prop up your TV set?
Now, you all know what I'm talking about, so don't gimme any of that "Is this guy smoking crack?" nonsense. Y'all are just afraid to confront the issue. I know I'm not the first guy to have ever been chased down Bruin Walk by one of those rabid rodents chattering maniacally with its bushy tail raised high in attack mode, and I know I'm definitely not the first to have to walk 10 feet around some trash can because one of those fat, foul monsters was sitting on it, staring at me smugly. I always think one of them is going to yell "Banzai!" and jump on my face. Those little bastards!
Sure, I know some of you out there have been deluded into thinking that squirrels are cute little pals to be loved and cherished by the UCLA community. Don't you believe it! It's all part of their master plan to take over our beloved school. Somewhere in the Botanical Garden, Sparky, the High Nutmaster Squirrel, is plotting his next move against us. Now I'm not suggesting an all-out war against these ugly mammals that would be costly, and many lives would be lost, what with their guerrilla rodent tactics.
There must be an alternative solution. A particularly insightful film I saw recently on USA Up All Night at 3 in the morning ("Revenge of the Planet Apes") may have provided me with a solution to the dilemma. Squirrel Mind Control! No, I don't drop acid, and yes, I do get enough sleep at night. Just bear with me. Perhaps we could deceive the squirrels by offering them a mound of almonds carefully laced with sleeping powder as a sign of peace. Once they succumb to their own drowsiness, we could easily place special mind-control helmets that have been created by our brilliant UCLA scientists upon their heads. These helmets would make them follow our every command. Imagine the UCLA utopia! Hate that waiting in line for that annoying bookbag check? Just let your special squirrel pal protect it for you! Scared of Bruin Walk vendors? Just bring along your special rabid squirrel buddy! A little maniac squirrel on the face will show that Jews for Jesus guy! Need a cool drink to slake your unbelievable summer thirst, but you're out of change? Send your "little helper" up the Coke machine to grab a nice cold one. Don't have a date to that Greek social? Never mind.
Anyway, it's only a suggestion. Other solutions are also possible. A united front of squirrel and Bruin would be a mighty force to be reckoned with indeed. In any case, we gotta get our butts in gear 'cuz they ain't waiting. Everyday they get stronger and stronger. Soon they will strike. Remember, Sparky's watching.
Torres is a third-year psychology student who's scared of squirrels.