Tuesday, April 1, 1997
TRANSPORTATION:
Bureau usually ignores parkway violations, but not alwaysBy Bob Buch
Parking in Westwood is one of the top five hassles at UCLA. It is right up there with those familiar icons of hassle such as Murphy Hall, URSA, buying and selling books at ASUCLA, and transsexual, homophobic atheists spouting nonsense on Bruin Walk.
Has a parking enforcement agent ever told you that he cannot take back your ticket because he "already wrote down your plate number?" He is lying.
Have you ever gotten a parking ticket for parking on the "parkway?"
Have you ever wanted to fight a parking ticket but decided not to because it is not worth the hassle?
Have you ever written "fuck you" on the memo line of your check when you are paying a parking fine?
Is it really worth the hassle of fighting a parking ticket? For God's sake, no do yourself a favor and pay the ticket. If you feel cheated, then write some profanities on the memo line that usually helps. Also, feel free to act rudely towards the officers who drive those tin can cars with little nipple-sirens. However, the police can give you parking tickets too, and if you are rude to them, they might just haul you off to jail trust me.
My story begins one week last November when I got two citations for parking on the "parkway." The parkway is that little strip of concrete between the sidewalk and the street. I always thought that this was an extension of my driveway. Apparently, I was wrong.
I called the phone number listed on my ticket to ask why I got two tickets in one week for parking where I have parked for three years. The response I got was, "Let me transfer you to my supervisor ..." Click. Or else, they may admit that they are incapable of making independent decisions by saying, "I can't do that because the computer won't let me." In other words, "I can't do that because I don't know how to operate this strange piece of equipment sitting in front of me."
I continued on my quest to navigate through the murky bureaucracy of the parking violations bureau. Four months after getting the tickets, and paying for them, I was granted a hearing with an ombudsman. I found the hearing examiner to be fair and impartial but totally unaware of what planet she was on. Upon hearing my case, she offered me a continuance so that I could obtain a written statement from the Westwood parking enforcement office proving that they do not regularly give tickets for parkway violations. It was not enough that I had pictures of streets crowded with cars parked on the parkway, I needed to get a written statement from a computer programmed to hang up on me.
I explained to a supervisor, Charlotte, that hundreds of cars park on the parkway every day in Westwood without getting tickets. She said, "How do you know that they aren't getting tickets? Maybe people just take them off their cars before you see them." Could it be true, I wondered, that everyone in Westwood exists only to make my life more difficult? I took note of this as further proof that my life is a conspiracy of Pynchonian proportions.
But Charlotte really was involved in a conspiracy: to protect the parking enforcement agency from being exposed for not doing their job.
She put me on hold to ask some agents if they know of any policy regarding parkway violations in Westwood. When she returned, she told me what I wanted to hear. There is indeed a way to park on the parkway and not be ticketed. I asked if she could please just issue me a written statement to that effect. She put me on hold to talk to her lieutenant. When she returned, she changed her tune. She said that there was in fact no policy allowing residents to park in the parkway. Luckily, I tape recorded our entire conversation. She was lying and I had proof. It was not quite the same ballpark as Rodney King but it was a victory for me. If nothing else, I had proof that I was not crazy. Right?
As a last ditch effort, I called my city councilman's office. They did some investigating and informed me of the following. It turns out that Sue Hicks, the head of the parking enforcement bureau admitted that they refrain from ticketing cars parked on the parkway in Westwood as a "favor" to the residents. For this reason she could not issue me a written statement saying that they do not ticket for parkway violations.
Well, thank you so much parking enforcement agency for only ticketing me when you feel like it. Now I can rest easy at night knowing that you may decide at any moment to take $30 from me. Sue, this is America. Laws are not to be interpreted by parking enforcement agents based on the quality of their doughnuts that morning.
Laws don't change unless people are mad, people don't get mad unless the laws affect them, and laws don't affect people unless they are enforced. Please do not accuse me of taking this too seriously.
I acknowledge that this is somewhat of a joke. But the serious point here is that if we allow parking enforcement to make their own rules today, we may be allowing the police to do it tomorrow. If this bothers you, call Councilman Mike Feuer's office at (213) 847-4467.
Incidentally, I think that the best solution to the parking problem is to have permit parking for residents like they do in the rich part of Westwood. But to support that claim, I would have to write another thousand words.