Thursday, 5/29/97 What good is English? EDUCATION: Ask not what this columnist plans to do with his degree, or you'll get a response
If you are majoring in one of those disciplines for which there seems to be no obvious career path other than simply regurgitating what you have just be taught to a new crop of students just as committed to learning something of no practical value as you were, read on. If, on the other hand, the name of your future career is firmly embedded within the name of your present major, as in engineering or dentistry, this article may be of little interest to you. I will graduate, be graduated, whatever, soon. As that hallowed event draws nigh and I eagerly await the honor and glory of receiving my bachelor of arts degree in English lit-rit-chah, I am finding that more and more people are asking me that exceedingly annoying question as to what exactly I intend to do with my degree. I answer thusly: "I'm going to frame it and hang it on a wall in my charming hillside abode. Maybe put some candles around it. Touch it up in photoshop. Or maybe I'll cut lines of talcum powder on it, leave it in plain sight of the front door, call 911 and hide in the closet, video the cops breaking in, doing the lines, then I'll sell the tape to 'Hard Copy' for $75,000." Wah-hoo, my education pays off! Or maybe I'll get together with a select few of my fellow English major cronies (sorry, undergrads only) so we can start a rival gang to the Friends of English. We'll call ourselves the Acquaintances of English. Our colors will be buff and goldenrod. We'll tag in iambic tetrameter. We'll make one of those feral North Campus cats our mascot and name it Hugh G. Dick after the famous real-life UCLA English professor (I swear to God, it's true; there's a plaque in his honor just as you enter the University Research Library). Asking me what I'm going to do with my education is like asking me if the carpet should match the drapes. Who cares? What I do care about is that I've studied about 3 percent of the canon but can come off like I've studied a lot more, like 6 percent. Who are these people who want to know what I'm going to do with my degree? Where do they get off asking me these questions. That includes you, mom ... back off! This is what I'm going to do: I'm going to brood, then become a boor, then frequent cocktail parties, do the one eyebrow thing and brag like Priapus at a slumber party "Yes, I did read 'Piers Plowman', yes I do get 'The Wasteland', and yes I do know the difference between sensuous and sensual." Question: What's the most important thing a philosophy major should learn? Answer: How to say "Would you like fries with that?" Sorry, Plato-heads, nothing personal. If it will make you feel any better, plug in "English" or "communication studies" in place of "philosophy." (Sidenote: I am reminded of a great quote by Pascal: "To ridicule philosophy is really to philosophize.") My point is this: I'm weary of trying to answer that utterly common question "What are you going to with that, teach?" Oh, the answers I have ached to give in reply: "Yes, I'm going to teach people to not ask insipid questions" or "Yes, the humanities is actually a huge Ponzi scheme. We all become teachers. Then all our students become teachers, and so on, until the Earth is populated exclusively by people who write only in red or green ink and who understand intuitively the proper application of the words "lay" and "lie." So, in anticipation of these delightful people and their clever little questions, I have actually come up with a list of responses. If you are not an English major, just plug in some of your major's key jargony catchwords and sing along with me. Here are a few possible responses to that confounding question "What are you going to do with your degree: I am going to stand at the corner of San Vicente and Barrington wearing a huge sandwich board that states "WILL PARSE FOR A BLENDED MOCHA." Sociology students might try this variation: "GOFFMAN SCHOLAR - WILL BE YOUR AUDIENCE FOR $5." Philosophy students, try this one: "HEAR SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING - $5." I am going to make it my goal in life to make people stop using the word unique as though it were a comparative adjective. Kids, it either is unique or it ain't unique. It can't be more unique or less unique than something else. Unique is an absolute, like dead. We don't say "This movie/fossil/bong is more unique than that movie/fossil/bong" any more than we would say this corpse is more dead than that corpse. Unique is unique is unique. I am going to start a crusade to get T. S. Eliot's body returned to the United States. He was born in St. Louis ... as in Missouri ... as in the United States of America. Hello? Thomas Stearns Eliot was born in Missouri. Give the bastards Richard Burton in exchange. I am going to become a politician. Once in office I will enact legislation that levies a use tax on the work "like." We'll start at a buck a pop. Every time someone uses the word "like" as an interjection it'll cost them a dollar. "He was, like, way sketchy." One dollar, please. Any legitimate use of the work "like," as in "I don't like what olestra has been doing to my underwear" will, of course, go unpunished. I am going to teach the world about the word "apropos." Here's my best advice: just don't do it. Leave "apropos" for the folks who edit literary journals. Apropos is not a short-cut version of "appropriate." We don't use it this way: "He was oddly dressed, so it seemed apropos that we shank him." Wrong. "Apropos" means "being at once opportune and to the point" as in "relevant" or "regarding." "Apropos your recent liposuction accident ..." Right. Apropos "apropos," the "o's" are long, the "s" is silent. I am going to undo the evil singular/plural thing that has been dragging medium, agendum and datum around by its tail for far too long now. Think of it this way: the etymologically plural form "media" is often used as a singular to refer to a particular means of communication, as in "This is the most exciting new media since television." This usage is widely regarded as incorrect; medium is preferred. A stronger case can be made in defense of the use of media as a collective term, as in: "The media has not shown much interest in covering the issue." As with the analogous words data and agenda, the originally plural form has begun to acquire a sense that departs from that of the singular: used as a collective term, media denotes an industry or community. Thus the example sentence given here would not be appropriately paraphrased as "No medium has shown much interest in covering the issue," which suggests that the disinclination abides in the means of communication itself rather than in its practitioners. If media follows the pattern of data and agenda, this singular use may become entirely acceptable someday. But despite its utility, many people still regard it as a grammatical error. This kills me! It is to English comprehension what hara-kiri is to indigestion. In the name of all that is holy, this must stop! I am going to tell the world about nausea. That thing you just ate that made you sick to your stomach? So now you're nauseous, right? Maybe. Something that is nauseous causes nausea. So, when you say that you're nauseous, you very well might be correct, although I doubt that's the point you wish to convey in your statement. You probably mean nauseated. Anyway that's what I'm going to say when people ask me what I'm going to do with my bachelor of arts in English. In closing, a touch of humility seems in order. Truthfully, I am proud to be an English major. I am grateful to my professors for all they have taught me. Granted, being an English major is not for everyone. It requires a good deal of reading and writing. It also helps if you are a bit of a perv. Most of the great writers were, so I have been told. In addition, it really helps if have a big dictionary, which, of course, I do. I am never without it and use it whenever possible. By the way, has anyone bothered to call the ombudsperson or the PC Police regarding the term bachelor of arts. It seems wholly sexist to me. I think it should be changed to "undergraduate degree in the arts." So now, go ahead, ask me. What am I going to do with my UDITA in English? Michael Daugherty