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Lately the stock market has been taking a lot of hits. That’s why today’s column is about all that crazy comedy that comes with operating an apple cart. No, today is really about manipulating the Web for your own financial gain.

For some time now, people have been investing heavily in dot-com companies because their 12-year-old sons finally introduced them to this “Internet thing.” They have continued to invest in these companies, even when the mightiest e-juggernauts have failed to produce a half-penny of profit. In short, the entire stock market has been flying high thanks to the sort of people who would bet on a three-legged epileptic racehorse.

I have difficulty imagining the business meetings between Pets.com and its major backers:

Mr. Moneybags: Have you turned a profit yet?

Sock Puppet: Not in five years!

Mr. Moneybags: Well here’s some more money for you, my favorite loser!

Sock Puppet: Thanks! Now I’m off to interview the pope.

Even Amazon.com is losing money on every sale. Perhaps that’s because nobody wants to wait six to eight weeks to get a book that they could find at Barnes & Noble today. In fact, most e-commerce is nothing more than high-tech catalog shopping, and there’s a word for the catalogs I receive in the mail: junk.

I’m not saying the Web is useless – far from it. As far as distributing porn, video game secrets and “X-Files” sound clips are concerned, the Internet is the best game in town. Where would we be today without http://www.broccoli.com? But somehow, when it comes to shopping, the idea of sending off your credit card number to who-the-hell-knows-where.com to purchase a melon you’ve only seen in a Quicktime movie doesn’t sound like much of a winner.

Thankfully, certain failure has never stopped American businessmen from plowing on full steam ahead. After all, they keep putting David Arquette in movies, despite the fact that he is only slightly less annoying than the wails of an injured raccoon. We can’t blame the businessmen, though. I mean, they’re too busy learning about downsizing and tax shelters to remember something as complicated and unimportant as “supply and demand.”

The downward spiral was started by the government busting up Microsoft’s monopoly. The software giant may now be divided into separate companies. Microsoft will go on producing software glitches as before, while other major branches of the company will continue under their original names, but as separate entities. Keep your eyes peeled for MicroSweatshop and MicroGermWarfare as they appear on the NYSE.

The whole situation is oddly parallel to Mel Brooks’ greatest movie, “The Producers,” which is a must-see for any lover of comedy. (Brooks won an Oscar for the script back in ’68.) In that film, a down-on-his-luck Broadway producer and his accountant realize that it is possible to make more money with a flop than with a hit.

All you have to do is raise more capital than is necessary by selling investors more than 100 percent of the profits. When the show bombs, there are no profits to give back to the investors, and you can theoretically keep the excess capital for yourself. The two crooks in the movie then embark on a quest to put on the worst play in history. They settle on a gem of a turd: “Springtime for Hitler.”

The same strategy seems to apply to the current dot-com demise. It seems odd that Jeff Bezos can buy a palace in Seattle while his company (the famed Amazon.com) flounders.

“Amazon.com is not, I repeat, not floundering,” said Bezos as his left eye moved over to the right side of his face. (Twenty Doug points to anyone who can identify the source of this joke.)

Perhaps Bezos’ newest venture will be nerofiddling.com. How can he be so secure? Maybe, just maybe, Amazon is his “Springtime for Hitler” and he knows that even when his stock has gone the way of the dodo dot-com, all the expensive houses and toys he could ever dream of will already be paid for. The Seattle Nerd Dreamhouse comes complete with fun slide, replica of the original Star Trek Enterprise bridge (the Next Generation bridge, of course), and a free six-pack of Dr. Pepper.

Before I proceed with the column, I am certain that there are many business economics students out there perched over a much-chewed Bic pen, waiting to write me a letter about every flaw in this little accounting experiment. Unto you I say, “Poopies! Poopies on you and your wet blanketism.”

Don’t be one of those guys who has to point out all the technicalities in movies like “T2: Judgement Day.” I mean, the kid was born in 1984, but was 14 years old in 1992. What gives, you know?

Anyway, since I’m sure you’re all chomping at the bit to get your sure-fire loser Web sites online, I thought as a courtesy I’d provide a few suggestions.

My first idea is a suggestion straight out of the mouths of our children. It’s called ebayunchlay.com. Remember the joy of trading one half of your bologna sandwich for some other kid’s Oreos? Now you can do it online with a simple auction. Allow six to eight weeks for bologna sandwich delivery. We are not responsible for any mold, bacteria or larvae that may occur during shipping.

There’s always the option of servererror404filenotfound.com. You can bill it as the single-most popular site on the Internet and rake in the dough.

You can also go the popular route. Try something like whydidIevenbother.com. You know the Web sites I’m talking about. They all start with something like “Hi! My name is Jennifer and this is my Web site!” On it is everything you need to know about Jennifer, namely, that she is called Jennifer and has a Web site. These seem to be popping up all over the Net for no apparent reason, seeing as most of them suck. But many do provide important information about Jennifer’s favorite celebrity, Jon Lovitz. He’s dreeeeeeamy.

Ultimately, the Net is supposed to be a tool for business. That’s why you should start a Web site called tomorrowlink.com. Tomorrowlink is a company that believes in the future of America. Tomorrowlink is working hard to develop things that do stuff. Tomorrowlink provides security in a world of turbulence. In other words, nobody knows what in the name of Poseidon’s ever-flowing nose hair Tomorrowlink actually does. You can bet your ass its stock will shoot up faster than you can say, “Lucent Technologies.”

Finally, how about hamsterdanceporn.com? Eepa dee da diddly do bo, bee ba biddly BOING!

Whether or not you can really fool people into giving you money for a half-baked Web site, there is about to be a great thinning of the cyber-herd. Don’t gamble away your future, folks. Invest in something safe, like a racehorse or a Russian casino. Otherwise you’ll e-kiss your e-ass goodbye.