Adam Karon Those who would like to apply for the GM position or who just want to send comments can e-mail Karon at gianthater@yahoo.com.

Dodgers General Manager Kevin Malone stepped down two weeks ago, sending the hopes of L.A. fans soaring into the night air like a Darren Dreifort hanging curveball.



Malone’s tenure as a Dodger was as rocky as a Coors Field backdrop, and featured more busted deals than an episode of Cops: Life on the Street. He resigned after getting into a confrontation with a Padres fan who criticized Gary Sheffield, a player Malone himself had taken shots at in the past.

The former Expos general manager (that should say enough) was condemned for opposing Davey Johnson, Sheffield, and any deal that might make the Dodgers a better team.

His departure could be the best thing for the Boys in Blue since Kirk Gibson ran around the bases doing that weird fist-pumping thing on my roommate’s birthday.

But I want to try to focus on the positive, like the possibility of more Dodger wins, since the GM has such a huge impact on the team’s performance during the regular season. So rather than dwell on Malone hiring leadoff men past their prime and prone to strike out (see Otis Nixon, Marquis Grissom, Tom Goodwin and Devon White), let’s talk about the exciting possible replacements for the position of Dodgers general manager.

Karl Malone, who happens to be Kevin’s first cousin, once removed, has been rumored by various sources to be the leading contender. The Mailman is sure to deliver, and is said to be deterred by neither rain nor sleet nor snow. How about heavy smog and traffic on the 405? I’d like to see Karl Malone drive through that!

The Utah Jazz power forward might have a tenuous relationship with Angelenos, but he could definitely take that grizzled Padre fan and his 6-year-old kid to the hole. Besides, it’s about time they brought back facial hair in baseball, even if it is in the form of a perpetual five-o’clock shadow.

Moses Malone might want a shot at the job and the opportunity to lead the Dodgers to the Promised Land. Besides, as the first man to skip college to go to the NBA, he probably has a similar educational background as Kevin, who is rumored to have gone to school in Santa Barbara.

How about giving UCLA gymnast Kristen Maloney a shot? She’s proven she has poise after competing in the Olympics and helping the Bruins win the national championship a week ago. She is soft spoken and would never proclaim herself the “new sheriff in town” as Kevin did. And, as one of the top tumblers in the nation, she always bounces back.

Perhaps the owner of Maloney’s On Campus would make a good GM. He always seems to pack the place and never has to give out fuzzy foam fingers to draw people to his venue.

Maybe reserve guard Matt Maloney of the Atlanta Hawks would be a good pick. Never heard of him? Good. Since when was a general manager supposed to be famous? Part of Kevin’s problem was that he needed attention, and even went so far as to give himself the nickname Dodger Boy. This sort of thing could easily be avoided if Matt would just give up the $500,000 he makes a year keeping Toni Kucoc’s seat warm.

While we’re on the topic of NBA superstars, why not add Michael Jordan to the mix, since everyone else seems to be calling for his return to professional sports. His Airness might have flopped once on the baseball field, but he sure has been successful in the world of upper management.

Speaking of success, why not have Bob Barker, the greatest game-show host of all time, come on down? Malone decided to pay Dreifort $11 million a year, despite the fact that he has a lifetime losing record. Barker would notice that the price is not right, and everybody knows if you bid too high, you lose. Just ask Armando Del Portillo, the kid on my floor freshman year who missed a new Mustang by bidding $80 too high.

Perhaps they could bring back Tommy Lasorda. I really miss those Slim Fast commercials, and Lasorda didn’t do too badly during his time as general manager in the early ’90s.

Richard Simmons. He might be annoying, but at least he isn’t Kevin Malone. Besides, who better to get those out-of-shape ballplayers into jazzeriffic physical condition?

Jim Everett, because the greatest quarterback of all time could undoubtedly become the greatest GM ever.

How about some Bruin applicants? Chancellor Albert Carnesale seems to be a pretty nice guy and he definitely knows how to handle criticism. We all know that Bruin boosters are much tougher to deal with than grizzled old Dodger fans, if there are even any left from the glory days of Steve Garvey and Ron Cey.

Most sports writers claim to be able to make better front-office decisions in almost every sport, so why not give us a chance? So what if the majority of those sitting behind the keyboards that bring you sports news never played an inning of high school ball.

Sports writers clearly know EVERYTHING.

UCLA gymnastics coach Valorie Kondos Field deserves a shot. She puts together a “dream team” nearly every year, and she has yet to attack one of the 6-year-old hecklers that watch the gymnastics meets each weekend.

One idea would be to place an ad in the Daily Bruin Classified section (you know, the tiny writing with the weird boxes surrounding the crossword puzzle). I can see the advertisement now: “Wanted: General manager to make logical decisions and restore past prestige to one of the greatest baseball traditions. Must have some prior baseball experience, an interest in public relations and never held a job in Canada.” We could make the position a summer internship and anyone with a year of college would be eligible.

Kevin Malone’s college education would not count.

At this point the Dodgers are open to suggestions. After a decade of decline, the franchise needs to turn things around and should be willing to take anyone. Each of you should seriously consider applying for the job.

The work might be tough, but I’m sure if you do a good job they’d throw in a couple extra Dodger Dogs and a souvenir beer cup.