For many, summer break can be classified as anything but a vacation. Forty-hour weeks at a non-paid summer internship or countless hours of summer school homework can be even more boring and depressing than time spent during the regular school year.
Sadly, the excessive tedium and monotony of summer life in Westwood is only exacerbated when one is without a special someone in their life.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel for all of you single students out there. I have devised the perfect remedy to occupy your time and entertain your sexual appetite as you sit in the classroom, slack off at work, or lay by the pool each summer day.
The idea is quite simple, but highly effective (and developed for those too lazy or too scared when it comes to approaching the opposite sex). I suggest that everyone develop a summer crush and do so promptly, because summer is nearing its end.
And if it’s been too long to recall just what a crush is, I’ve taken the time to provide you with a quick definition.
The crush: The only manifestation of love we were capable of expressing during those embarrassingly ugly and shamelessly awkward middle and high school years.
While my proposal may lack the creativity one might expect from the self-proclaimed relationship expert, it does revisit an exciting, pre-teen pastime many of us have sadly long forgotten.
Even if you no longer remember how to develop a crush, I’m sure you remember the prettiest girl or most popular guy whom you madly fell in love with. By pinpointing someone to focus all of your attention on and occupy your time, you allowed yourself to become giddy, embarrassed, and thrilled all at the same time, simply by virtue of laying eyes upon that person.
Luckily, the exact same idea can be entertained during college, thereby creating a summer objective yearning to be fulfilled, but without the pressure to actually do so.
In effect, the new and improved, college educated crush is all about the excitement surrounding the crush, but without the negative connotations the crush has come to be associated with.
The college crush is meant to bring happiness to boring lives, rather than the pain and anguish it caused us as children.
Choosing that special someone is not as easy as one may think for there are several key necessities in determining the perfect summer crush.
First and foremost, is pure, sexual attraction.
When you ogle this person the side effects should include: hot sweats, rapid rise in pulse rate, sexual fantasies, and nervous blushing. Why even have a crush if it cannot sexually stimulate you? The whole purpose of the summer crush is to provide the sexual motivation missing from your life.
The second guideline in determining your object of affection is consistency.
Your crush has to be someone you see almost every day. It’s no fun to like someone you may never have the opportunity to speak with.
Choose a co-worker, a classmate, or someone who frequents your place of employment. The daily eye contact and exchange of friendly salutations is vital to keeping your undercover love games exciting and new. Not only can you see who approaches whom first, but you can flirt, tease, small talk, or just smile.
Pretend you’re a kid again and tell all your friends; devise ways to make that summer crush become something more.
Even if nothing comes of it (and probably nothing will), find humor in your immaturity and pride in the measures you take to sexually tantalize your predestined lover. Make that eight hour seminar the last thing to enter your thoughts while you gaze mouthwateringly upon the object of your desire.
When utilized correctly the crush need not be painful, and instead can bring you hope during an otherwise dull summer. The crush is meant to be easy, silly and fun so don’t take it too seriously. It should provide preoccupation during those times when you need it the most.
Besides, there’s probably someone out there with you on his or her mind, and doesn’t that make you feel special?