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The other day, as I was taking my morning stroll from Kerckhoff to the English Reading Room, I couldn’t help but notice all of the tantalizing little nooks, stairwells and shady corners that could serve as perfect locations for a make-out session or a between-class quickie.

Our lovely campus is littered with such sex-friendly spots, which got me thinking – how much hanky-panky is going on just out of sight? And what are the best spots on campus to do the dirty – and get away with it?

So I decided to do a little, ahem, “research” into the matter. (By research I mostly mean asking my friends and random strangers where they’ve done it on campus. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to test these sites personally, due to the fact that I really get much less action than I’d like to think.)

First, there are the obvious places: the Franklin D. Murphy Sculpture Garden comes to mind (preferably under cover of night). The towers of Royce Hall were another popular suggestion among the people I surveyed. Doing it somewhere that holds real significance to campus identity, like under the Bruin Bear (wouldn’t that give the tourists a shock!) or behind Founder’s Rock, would provide an especially collegiate thrill.

One respondent informed me of a sunken area next to Royce that’s nicely hidden from view at night; another reader decided to tell me about how he pleasured himself in one of the bathrooms in Bunche. (I think he missed the point of my question. Also, ew.) Ackerman and Kerckhoff have various rooms that would be perfect for a “study break.” The guys who work in Event Services told me of one legendary student union building manager who would take a different girl each night to a different room in Ackerman. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s some great student service!

Another friend of mine actually went so far as to provide me with a list of places where he’s determined to have sex sometime before he graduates. Among his more conventional suggestions were some fairly creative locations. He’s partial to the rooftops of various buildings, like Knudsen and Charles E. Young Research Library, as well as the bottom floor of the engineering library: “So many electromagnetic theory books, you can’t help but be aroused.”

I have heard a rumor of someone well-connected in the athletic department being able to hold a late night tryst with his girlfriend in the greatest on-campus sex spot of all: center court in Pauley Pavilion. Now, this may be just one of those pervasive UCLA urban legends (maybe they should tell that story to the freshmen at orientation), but it’s pretty cool nonetheless. Imagine watching a UCLA basketball game 25 years from now and turning to your spouse to lovingly say, “Remember when we did it right on top of the U?”

There are quite a few places on campus that I wouldn’t want to do it, though. The Cooperage, or any on-campus food establishment, comes to mind (great sandwiches, but I have an aversion to getting it on amid the smell of fried chicken). Doing it anywhere out in the open in the middle of the day could get you arrested and booted from school – although sexing it up in Meyerhoff Park could be seen as some form of free speech political statement. (Besides, I think if people around here had more sex, there’d be fewer protests. Just a theory.) You could have sex somewhere around the theater department in North Campus and claim that it’s performance art. South Campus sex could be passed off as an exhibit of the human reproductive process for a biology class.

So if any of you out there manage to spice up your sex lives with a little grope-fest in the back of a Math Sciences lecture hall or in the bushes by Powell, please remember to let me know of your success stories. A brief note or card are also welcomed in return for my beneficent influence on student sex lives. Wherever you decide to indulge in a little on-campus nooky, however, please remember to be discreet. Lest anyone in an authority position think I’m encouraging public displays of lewdness and nudity, let me end with a warning: a bit of public funny business might be tempting, but please, avoid doing anything that will get you arrested. If you do get caught, however, you are not to mention my name to the police.