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I’ve been approached by several readers lately who approached me and offered their column ideas – some better than others. One particularly imaginative young man told me “Hey Carrie, you should write about licking balls! Or maybe, write about hooking up with your friends’ sisters!” As tempting as these ideas are, I’ve decided in this installment to turn my attention to a neglected segment of the population here at UCLA – all the people who don’t have sex.

Obviously, I wouldn’t have a clue what that’s like, since I have a veritable harem of obliging young men, dressed in loincloths and smothered in edible oils, locked up in my basement, eager to fulfill my every whim. OK, well, maybe there’s just one young man. And he’s never worn a loincloth or been smothered in oil. And he’s only obliged to do it with me because otherwise I won’t iron his shirts or cheer at his IM football games (go Red Roosters!).

I am sometimes surprised, however, by the number of friends I have who choose to abstain from sex, for many different reasons.

One close friend of mine is a devout Christian who is committed to remaining a virgin until she gets married; she often jokes that she should just hang a sign around her neck that says “Reserved For God!” in big block letters. Her faith is really important to her, and she’s willing to make the sacrifices that come with being Christian (well, I assume it’s a sacrifice to go without sex, since I tend to turn into a raging bitch if I don’t get some on a regular basis). But as for my friend, until she gets the guy, the gown and the big, fat rock on her finger, taking off her pants just isn’t an option.

I assumed most people who don’t have sex do so out of religious reasons, but in talking to more people, I’ve found this isn’t necessarily the case. Many people just choose not to do it because they don’t feel psychologically or mentally ready to deal with all the baggage that sex brings along with it. Besides the obvious physical dangers associated with sleeping with someone, there is a risk of emotional damage that is enough to make some people stop and think. This applies to guys and girls across the board; the decision to abstain is certainly not limited to either sex. One guy I know has a real problem with intimacy, physical and otherwise. Unless Britney Spears shows up at his door and throws herself at him like a cat in heat, he’s decided to hold off on sex for now to prevent himself from getting into any emotional trouble.

The point is, sex is complicated. Despite all the recent fuss over abstinence-only education, I don’t think there’s any easy answer to the question of whether or not it’s “right” to wait until marriage. I know lots of people who have fulfilling sexual relationships with partners whom they care about, and I know people who have casual sex and feel OK about that too. I also know people (well, girls) who still have their fun with the opposite sex without ever crossing the line into actual intercourse. My old roommate had a “nothing below the belt!” rule that nevertheless didn’t prevent her from hooking up with a good percentage of the male population of UCLA. But since she never actually had sex, there was no real harm done (except for the trail of broken hearts she left in her wake, but that’s a different story).

However, there is a segment of the female population that chooses to abstain for a reason I find quite disturbing: penis fear. Yes, folks, this unfortunate syndrome actually exists, and it’s destroying the sex lives of college students across the country. Another friend of mine (I have lots of friends, have you noticed?) explained that she doesn’t want to sleep with her boyfriend because, well, “penis is gross.” This is upsetting to me. I could understand if she had fears about STDs or pregnancy or serious emotional complications, all of which are possible byproducts of a sexual relationship, but … penis is gross? That’s just wrong. I propose to the other concerned citizens out there on campus that we, as defenders of the male reproductive organ, form some sort of group devoted to promulgating the idea that penis is not the problem. In fact, that could be our slogan. “Penis is not the problem.” Join me in a march down Bruin Walk today at noon. You bring the signs, I’ll pass out the condoms and anatomically correct Ken dolls.