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I could never articulate how truly irritating cell phones are until today when my friend unveiled a monstrosity against nature: a digitized Pachelbel’s “Canon in D” ring tone.

We were getting ready to engage in a night session of “Club Powell” (let’s dress up to go to the library!) when I heard it. At first, I restrained my spite toward my friend and his audacity for ruining Pachelbel’s masterpiece. But suddenly a realization, like a religious conversion, dawned on me: I hate people who abuse their cell phones.

Why are people so captivated by their phones? What draw do cell phones have that turns their users into servants instead of their rightful position as masters?

Cell users who deserve my disdain abound. For instance, there’s the “import car” cell user. This buffoon scoffs at the plastic shell that the phone makers supply, and replaces it immediately with a flashy chrome number. This is usually accompanied by an antenna that lights up whenever a call comes in.

Not being content with a single light that indicates they’re receiving a call, the next logical step is to add a light show to their phone, replete with ostentatious displays of phone pyrotechnics.

Variations of this formula exist, but it all comes down to the same thing. Why not add some rims and drop in an Alpine system?

I can only surmise that epileptics must be increasingly cautious in choosing their friends in this electronic age.

There’s another group of cell phone users that bother me immeasurably: those who talk incessantly on the phone wherever they go – a nuisance to the eyes and ears.

Having nothing but hatred for inconsideration, I rank this breed of human lowest on the totem pole of society. Whether at the movies, library or house of worship, these miscreants have no qualms chatting it up on their phones.

For crying out loud, have they no shame? As self-centered as they may be, they have absolutely no right to impose their yammering on the general populace.

As individuals, these abusers are crotch-grabbingly annoying. But as a combined force, they flood cellular networks with overuse. It makes the message “system busy” a ubiquitous occurrence every time I try to use my own phone. Upholding my steadfast delusion that I have some poetic skill, I crafted a verse for this situation:

You climbed the highest walls and breached my heart’s defense.

You overcame all obstacles in divulging inherent sense.

You understood the violence required to enslave.

You showed no mercy in quickly promulgating your enclave.

You banished my once rapid mind into the sands of loss.

You gave instead your vapid hold, imbuing love as dross.

You took my soul and squeezed it whole into a stew of pain.

You cut my will with cunning still repeating spite’s refrain.

You left me here with nothing yet that is all that is left.

You raped my spirit and gave, in trade, an existence lived bereft.

You are the seed of evil that has budded in my life.

You demand no less than perfect deeds, no end to sacrifice.

Your motto “system busy’s” like a bullet from Aaron Burr.

Soon I’ll get another phone, gosh darn you Cingular!

Perhaps I was a bit rash in my tirade against my service provider, especially since it’s the abusers’ needless strain on the networks that brings me such grief. In the end, that’s what it’s all about: actually showing a little consideration for those around you.

Let me tell you abusers the real deal. Your phone is meant to be used as a phone. If you’re going to fix it up, please show a little restraint; if I wanted a light show I’d go to a rave.

To those incessant chatterers racking up the anytime minutes, remember that there are real people right in front of you. I’ve terminated friendships when I realized that my “friends” were giving phone time precedence over “John time”, and I urge others to do the same.

Finally, use some common sense: if you get a call in class, a movie theater or library, don’t talk on the phone as if you’re the only one there. That junk is unacceptable.

Let’s all go back to the time before didactic, face-to-face interactions were preempted by the monstrous technological advance of cellular phones.