As a graduate of an all-girl Catholic school, I first set foot on the UCLA campus feeling much like the proverbial kid in a candy store.
I couldn’t help but gape in awe at all of the guys – big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones, fraternity guys and athletes and video game nerds – oh my! However, as I quickly learned, there are certain rules to live by if you want to date successfully at UCLA, and the most important of these rules deal with dating in the dorms.
The first rule is this: Don’t date that girl or guy who lives next door to you. I believe the scientific name for this phenomenon is “floor-cest,” or, getting it on with someone who sees you walk to the shower in your ratty robe every morning.
One friend of mine experienced palpable feelings of attraction for his next door neighbor, but hesitated to act upon these feelings due to the stigma attached to dating someone who lived so close. The dorms are a very public place. Maintaining a relationship (especially a sexual one) in front of 50 other people freaked my friend out. So he nixed his neighborly tryst – in fact, on the very day they were to consummate their relationship.
I’m sure a few people find their soul mates living down the hall, but isn’t that really just the laziest way possible to find a date? I have another friend who started dating a girl who lived on his floor in Dykstra only two days after he moved in his freshman year. Four years later, they were still together – but he could never really get rid of the nagging feeling he had been missing out on something – like, say, all the other girls who go to school here. Of course, by the time he finally broke up with his girl, he had graduated and completely missed his opportunity to frolic with the undergraduate females.
This leads me to another important dorm dating rule: Date around. Don’t settle for the first cute guy or gal you see. There are literally thousands of single people out there on campus. OK, sure, maybe only 34 of them are attractive, but the rest of them have enough good qualities that would make them great potential mates. Go out, meet your friends’ friends, or get a job at Events Services – the guys working there are cute and plentiful.
One of my favorite places to cruise for guys when I was a freshman was Rieber dining hall. Any of the dining halls will do, but Rieber for some reason combined the best food with the best social atmosphere – and the men’s soccer team ate there on a regular basis (Jimmy Frazelle always made lunchtime so much fun.)
My friends and I used to give the cute boys nicknames, so we could talk about them in a kind of code. There was Tennis Boy: of course on the tennis team. Sticker Boy, who was so hot that we wanted to give him a sticker saying, “Congratulations! You are hot. Thank you for beautifying the UCLA campus.” The Twins: One of my friends got the shock of a lifetime when she realized the guy she was drooling after was actually two guys – twin pre-med students who would occasionally grow beards just to confuse people.
This little naming game was fun until I actually hooked up with Sticker Boy at a party and quickly realized he was very gay (great dancer, but didn’t seem too into kissing girls.)
Once you’ve found a suitable partner (i.e. one who doesn’t live next door), there’s another very important rule to remember: if you’re going to sexile your roommate, at least do it with consideration and class. Everyone knows to stick a scrunchie or some other pre-arranged marker on the doorknob to ward off any intruders, but I’ve always liked to make sure my roommate wouldn’t be stranded in the hallway late at night without a change of clothes or some sustenance. So before I started getting it on with my boy, I’d carefully lay a pair of pajamas, a pillow, some Cheese-Its and maybe a Coke outside the door so my roommate would be well taken care of while waiting for me to finish up.
Following these few simple rules will ensure a UCLA dating experience that is socially and sexually fruitful. So go forth, my young ones – and don’t forget your preferred method of birth control.