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In my never-ending quest to set the UCLA population straight about personal and sexual matters, I realize that I’ve been ignoring a very important factor in the fornication equation: the penis. And I’d like to qualm some fears that guys may have about their equipment. Trust me guys, I’m here to tell you: bigger is not necessarily better. And honestly, I really don’t understand what the big deal is anyway. It’s not like we girls stand around looking at ourselves in the shower wishing our vaginas were bigger. As long as it works when it counts, who cares?

I’ve read that the biggest penis ever on record was thirteen inches. Thirteen inches? That’s not a cack, that’s a broomstick! If ever a guy whipped out thirteen inches of meat on me, I’d take one look and say “Oh, hell no!” That’s not sex, that’s an abdominal probe. I mean, the reason women fear going to the gynecologist is because they don’t want to spread their legs for something that’s going to be bumping up against their cervix. Scientifically speaking, most of the nerve endings in a woman’s vaginal canal are concentrated in the first few inches, so there’s not even going to be much of a difference in feeling if you happen to be one or two inches longer than her previous partner (so, hey, if you’re hung like a tuna can, you’re set!).

I’ve come to the conclusion that men’s anxiety over penis size is actually just a well-publicized symptom of a more deeply rooted fear over his ability (or inability) to please his partner. Let’s think about this logically here. What are the three most important things in a man’s life? Sex, sports, and beer, right? (Not necessarily always in that order, but I think it’s safe to say that sex is always most important.) Now, I would think that having something dangling between your legs would only get in the way during sports. And, as far as I know, having a penis doesn’t really aid with the production, storage, or consumption of beer.

So the penis is really only good when used for sex (well, OK, and taking a whiz, but I can’t imagine that size would really be a factor in that process either, unless you really like to get a good grip on things while you’re at the urinal). Now, I’m pretty sure that, for a guy, an orgasm is an orgasm no matter how big or small you are. I can’t imagine that the size of your organ would have any effect on your own personal pleasure. Therefore, the only reason a guy would really want a bigger penis is to give pleasure to his sexual partner. But you know what? Girls don’t care! Now, I can’t speak for the gay population; in fact, I’d like to invite you boys who like boys to share with me your opinions on the matter.

In my conversations with my girlfriends, however, (and yes, guys, your worst fears are true – we discuss your penises in detail. Sorry!), the general consensus seems to be that size just ain’t a thing. Girls care about getting off; and trust me, if you show me a girl who gets an orgasm every time she has sex with her man, I’ll show you a girl who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about how big he is.

Now, tongue size is an entirely different matter – why do you think Gene Simmons got so many chicks, despite the fact that he’s hideously ugly? Or Mick Jagger, for that matter? Steven Tyler? None of them are good-looking men, but they sure like sticking out their tongues. And that, not the music, not the tight pants, not the copious amounts of alcohol consumed onstage, is what makes the little girls stand up and cheer.