Moats key to drowning fan violence
I’m pretty sure you had many great ideas floating around in your head when you were young.
Ideas you thought were golden, brilliant and extraordinary. Yet, when explaining the ideas to your parents, you were usually greeted with the polite head nod and the quip response, “That’s great champ.”
Well I had many “champs” thrown my way growing up, but to defend the beleaguered parents who patronized me, I’ll probably do the same when my annoying kids spit out idiotic ideas.
Anyhow, I think one of my brilliant ideas as a youngster would be a perfect solution to solve one of the growing epidemics in sports around the world today: the fan who wants to get closer to the action but gets a little too close.
Now, I have nothing against fans wanting more bang for their buck. If they’re shelling out two bills to sit 500 feet away from where the action is taking place, they have a point. But in the post-Sept. 11, 2001 world, everything is looked upon with a new perspective and probably rightly so. When a fan runs onto the field nowadays, people are worried that dynamite might be strapped to the fan’s chest or that the fan might be concealing a dangerous weapon. The Department of Homeland Security has yet to find a way to keep fans in the stands. By the way, today’s terrorism color on the M&M tote board is yellow.
A year ago at Chicago’s Comiskey Field, I mean, U.S. Cellular Net Verizon AT&T Cingular Field, a shirtless father and son decided to jump the railing and beat up the Kansas City Royals’ first-base coach, senior citizen Tom Gamboa. One of them even had a pocketknife, yet security was deathly slow in response to the breach.
This year at the same Chicago Cell Phone Booth, a fan jumped out of the stands and attacked umpire and former marine Laz Diaz. The fan lost that battle.
Who can ever forget the person who stabbed Monica Seles with a knife during a tennis match in Europe, effectively ruining one of the blossoming careers in women's tennis?
Occasional violence at sporting events is unfortunately somewhat commonplace. Sporting organizations usually wait for lightning to strike before going out and buying a surge protector. Once someone is killed because of a fan incident on the playing surface, all the rules will change at sporting events. But why wait? Something that recently occurred convinced me the rules need to be changed now, before it costs someone his life.
In Silverstone, England, during the British Formula One Grand Prix, a 56-year-old kilted Irishman somehow got onto the racetrack and was prancing around with religious paraphernalia about his body. Racecars were zooming past him at speeds of over 160 mph, and when looking closely at the replay, many drivers didn’t see the Irishman until the last possible second and swerved out of the way just in time. I didn’t know the latest version of the Irish jig is to drunkenly stumble onto a live racetrack and dodge cars going faster than most commuter planes. I’ll try it the next time I’m feeling suicidal.
How can we ensure that fans don’t jump onto the field of play? The answer is simpler than you think. We don’t need bomb detectors at every arena entrance. We don’t need high technology scanners to find out what little, old ladies are hiding in their purses (I bet it’s gum and dentures). We don’t need security personnel protecting every conceivable inch of the court.
What do we need?
Moats.
Yea, that’s right. Moats.
A moat is a deep, wide ditch usually filled with water, typically surrounding a fortified medieval town, fortress, castle or arena as a protection against assault.
I love moats. Little kids usually dream of fast cars, big toys and roller coasters. I always dreamed of having a moat around my house (don’t ask why). I strangely enjoy looking at pictures of old castles surrounded by moats.
A 20-foot-wide moat surrounding the initial playing surface will do. Who in his right mind is going to come onto the field by way of swimming through a moat? There’s already that 15-foot walkway at most sporting venues separating the court and the seats that security doesn’t allow anyone to traverse anyway. Dig a hole, fill it with water, add interesting sea creatures, and you’re set. If you want to add the medieval effect of knights on horseback dressed in full regalia, that’s cool but unnecessary.
So now, with moats around the court, what are people going to do? Dress up in scuba gear and flippers, swim across, get up on the other side, run with water pouring out of their bum, and create havoc? I don’t think so.
And I know what you’re thinking. What happens if long-jump specialists want to come onto the field? They can easily clear 20 feet. Stack the moat with piranhas, sharks and incredibly big sea urchins, and I think your long jumper will have second thoughts.
Who would have thought a feature of the Middle Ages would be relevant in the 21st century? Along with moats, I vote to bring back drawing and quartering, polygamy and stew mush for dinner.
With moats at sporting events, the ease with which players can play, coaches can coach, and fans can cheer is increased tenfold. Necessity is not the mother of invention. Invention is the mother of necessity. Put the guns, pepper spray and walkie talkies away. Just bring back the moat.
Fast Glass wants to throw himself into a moat over the Kobe situation. E-mail him your Kobe thoughts at sglass@media.ucla.edu.



