Sometimes your girl isn’t as into sports as you’d like. And sometimes you’re not as into your girlfriend as you’d like. You’ve tried romantic comedies, bowling, fancy dinners and lots of alcohol, but nothing has really clicked. Well my unrequited Romeo, have you ever tried sports?

Instead of popping in that “Friends” DVD and pretending to think Ross is funny, try watching a ballgame. The predictability of certain events – Shawn Green hitting into a double play, Shaq clanking free throws, Keira Goerl throwing no-hitters – gives you an excellent opportunity to impress your girlfriend with your awe-inspiring ESP.

“Watch the Spurs blow another fourth-quarter lead, I guarantee it’ll happen.”

“Wow, you’re so right. (Sigh) You know everything don’t you?”

Then stare deeply into her eyes with a penetrating gaze and say “I predict we’ll be together forever.”

Oh man, that’ll work for sure.

But even better than watching sports is going out and getting physical.

Still, you must choose wisely. Some sports clearly have more sex appeal than others.

Golf is a popular choice ... if you’re 50. But the proper attire, especially for females, is just not quite kicking. Additionally, girls don’t appreciate it when you make the obligatory joke about your “length” off the tee. Pure cheese.

When you’re with your buddies, golf is all about getting tanked by the seventh hole and then driving your golf cart around like a maniac. Just doesn’t work for dates.

Tennis, on the other hand, is great, especially with the right gear, such as a nice little mini-skirt, or maybe one of Serena’s ultra-tight catsuits. Meow!

As she serves, tell her that she’s aced her way into your heart. That is so sweet.

America’s pastime, however, is a terrible option for many reasons. Most girls look borderline epileptic when they try to throw a baseball, and they get downright fussy if you strike them out. Baseball gear is also a turn-off: you don’t want your girl looking like David Wells.

Slow-pitch softball is slightly better, but again, the uniforms are distinctly lacking. This is supposed to be a romantic outing, remember?

Sorry, but Jennie Finch is the only person that could ever do justice to a softball uniform.

Football stinks as a date sport. Outside of practicing “tackling” drills, there isn’t much room for creativity here. Comments about what a great tight-end she’d make are usually met with disdain.

Basketball is solid, especially if your girlfriend likes to post up. There’s a lot of grinding, a lot of dribbling and a lot of sweat. Plus, as you get better at defending the paint, you’ll actually improve your freak-dancing moves.

Soccer is a good one. Praise be to the sports bra! I have no idea when wearing your underwear to work out became acceptable, but it sure is grand. Make sure your girl scores a goal, and enjoy as she pulls a Brandi Chastain. Wonderful stuff.

If for some reason the shirt doesn’t come flying off, chastise your date for her blatantly anti-American attitude, and remind her that the 1999 Women’s World Cup team was the greatest national achievement in sports ever.

Gymnastics certainly has the uniform: the leotard surpasses even the sports bra on the “They’re wearing what?!” scale.

The flexibility required to do the splits can surely come in handy, but let’s face facts. Without Matrix-style special effects, neither one of you can hope to do a backflip. And stay far away from the pommel horse: you’ll probably just fall the wrong way and end up too sore for other strenuous activity.

That kind of injury will affect your ability to play the best sport of all.

My last column ever. Naw, I’m just kidding. Maybe. E-mail Colin at cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.