An open letter.
To those whom it concerns:
Living in a nation where people are already starting to think about Christmas, I’m no longer surprised when people set up for holiday celebrations long before they should. After all, it’s the American way: Why should we rely on something like, oh, a calendar, to tell us what day it is? If we want to don costumes and dress up early, then we will, no matter what the French say.
But let’s suppose – if only for a moment – we actually care about what the rest of the world thinks of us. Halloween isn’t until tomorrow, so I’m officially asking the following people to stop “dressing up,” if only for the day.
To Arnold Schwarzenegger: Stop dressing up as a politician. You make Ronald Reagan look competent.
To Tom Cruise: Maybe “The Last Samurai” is actually a good movie, but stop dressing up as a serious actor deserving of an Oscar instead of just a movie star. You’ll always be the guy from “Risky Business,” and there’s nothing wrong with that.
To Harrison Ford, Woody Allen and Sean Connery: Stop dressing up as people who can still get erections. You’re 64, 67 and 73 years old, respectively. Remember that.
To the producers of reality TV shows: Stop dressing up reality shows as reality. In fact, they seem to get less and less realistic. “The Real World” seems like documentary footage when compared to “The Next Joe Millionaire.” And I’m really not interested in watching “Survivor: Exotic Location Number 27.”
To Jennifer Lopez: Stop dressing up as a bride. This doesn’t even need a punch line.
To Ashton Kutcher: Stop dressing up as a kid dressing up as an adult. One minute you’re wearing a mesh trucker hat and the next you’re dating Demi Moore. I don’t really care which you do, but pick an age range. Are you 12 or 30?
To Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Christina Aguilera and a bevy of future (and former) blondes: Stop dressing up as musicians. Please?
To all aspiring screenwriters: Stop dressing up movie characters mysteriously until everything is explained in a grand epiphany in the last scene. Not every suspense movie must have a surprise ending to be good. Would it be too much to ask to see a little less “Usual Suspects” and a little more “Silence of the Lambs?”
To John Lithgow, Jerry Seinfeld, Jamie Lee Curtis, Julie Andrews, Will Smith and Madonna: Stop dressing up as children’s book authors. At least Ethan Hawke has the time to write entire novels, while it seems like everyone in Hollywood and their agent’s mother is sitting down for an hour or two and cranking out children’s books like Model Ts. Don’t they know kids stopped reading in 1982?
To the Disney Channel: Stop dressing up your actors as stars. Hillary Duff is not Jennifer Aniston. Please stop before she dives too deeply into film and ends up competing for roles with Charlize Theron and Heather Graham.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Jake Tracer
E-mail Tracer at jtracer@media.ucla.edu.