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To the ladies and gentlemen of the incoming 2004-2005 freshman class:

By now you have been welcomed, schmoozed, greeted, accosted, and solicited by countless numbers of people on the UCLA campus.

During your first moments as a Bruin, it probably has seemed like everyone has been ready to offer you some suggestions about what to do in order to make the most of the quarters to come.

Recommendations ranging from sensory deprivation tanks to 35-cent cookies doubtlessly have been dispensed freely by would-be advisers.

But no piece of advice is more important than this crucial admonition: Always wear flip-flops in the dorm showers.

Your college years will be whatever you make of them. You can spend your time studying, or you can spend your time partying. But if you would like to be able to walk at your graduation without any limps or permanent foot infections, then flip-flops are a necessity.

Though the rest of my observations about this great university will not have any long-term health benefits, they hopefully will let you look at the new community around you in a humorous light. So here are some things to keep in mind as you start your career among the blue and gold.

Students who say “hella” are probably from Northern California. Students who say they are studying sociology will probably end up managing a Denny’s.

If a waitress at BJ’s asks if you want a Pizookie, by all means say yes. If a homeless guy behind Rite Aid asks if you want a Pizookie, by all means run away.

If a girl says she does not drink, she will likely be the first one at the party with a beer. If she says she drinks socially, she is likely a full-blown alcoholic.

One of the joys of eating at Panda Express is adding the phrase “in bed” to the end of your fortune cookie’s fortune. This tradition remains fun until you get a fortune that reads “You are an inspiration to children.”

Putting a bag over a parking meter with the words “Out of Order” on it will not fool the university police.

If you go away for even one night, your roommates will let their friends sleep in your bed. Prevent this by placing a wire hanger, point up, underneath your blankets. Not only will the hanger provide a nice, sharp poke, but its removal from your bed will leave compelling evidence of the trundle trespass.

The squirrels fear nothing. Some will run up to you, others will steal food from you, and still others will break your heart.

Celebrities are all over the place. Movie premieres are held at the Fox Theater, films are constantly being filmed on campus, and Corey Feldman could be working here as a janitor.

There is a class offered at UCLA called “The History of Prostitution.” Despite the insinuation of its name, the class is not graded on curves.

And, finally, no matter how caught up you get in your new surroundings, no matter how much you find yourself changing and adjusting, never forget the things that made you the person you are. Remember the past, enjoy the present, and look forward to the future.

College is an adventure. Having no clue where you are going is a great way to get somewhere you have never been before.

Pfohl was a 2003-2004 Viewpoint columnist.