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In ancient Egyptian mythology there’s a great, in-depth story about a penis.

In our much-shorter version that focuses only on the point we find interesting, the god Osiris ends up with his body parts strewn around the world. After the goddess Isis collects them all, there’s still one part missing.

Instead of ditching her man, she creates a golden phallus for him, thus making her the luckiest woman in mythology.

If someone has a golden joystick, it’s pretty obvious that you should hook up with, date, or handcuff him to an altar and marry him immediately. But what are the other initial indicators that make us want to jump someone’s bones?

The classic stereotype is that women seek traits that indicate security and comfort, while men crave the hottest person in the room.

But despite what psychologists have told us, many UCLA students define attraction differently. Contrary to these generalizations, women and men are looking for surprisingly similar qualities.

Of course, everyone has a favorite body part they look for – guys want a nice face and healthy curves, girls want overall tone, and there was that one guy we spoke with who listed all the bra cup sizes in descending order to illustrate his favorite feature.

Even so, an overwhelming amount of those questioned focused on personality traits that always draw their attention.

The simplest way to attract someone from across the room is to project confidence.

Here’s one for the ugly people: Several swingers said they thought people were more attractive when they carried themselves well.

Also, while being straightforward will get your point across, experience can reveal the more subtle signs of a guaranteed hook-up. Sometimes the people who are all over you at the party are looking to get it out of their system then and there, and don’t plan on saving anything for later.

When looking for a hook-up or a one-night stand, partyers tend to notice a person’s dancing style. This is because it indicates what they can do with their hips.

When people can keep a rhythm in a crowded bar, there’s a good chance they’ll be just as good at grinding later on in your bedroom.

But we’re not going to lie to you. Physical attraction does play a part in a hook-up. If they’re getting it on with someone who they wouldn’t otherwise talk to, Bruins want to make sure that, at the very least, their partner is nice to look at. Both men and women search for mates who obviously hit the gym a lot and who know how to take care of themselves.

Fortunately for all the Conan O’Briens of the world (tall, skinny and pale), the most common way to attract someone is a good old-fashioned sense of humor.

Making someone laugh will inevitably give them an insight into your “radiant personality,” and they might want to find out if other parts of you are gold as well.

However, Isis’ foray into the art of smelting proves her love was more than just a hot guy at a good party. Even though her boyfriend’s body was spread around the planet, she just wasn’t ready to give up her gold standard – clearly, having him was more than just sex.

How much more awesome do you have to be to get your god or goddess to keep you around beyond the morning after?

While people want as much distance as possible from their one-night stands before and after the fact, when it comes to relationships, common ground only ups your chances of things working out.

Running into someone a lot and having friends in common are factors that encourage both sexes to look beyond the sex. Having similar interests and a couple of people to vouch for your sanity makes most people more likely to find out something about you beyond what brand of condom you use.

Other people only want to get serious with a person who isn’t going to be dramatic and angry. Just because you’d rather write your paper than discuss their argument with their roommate about fish tank maintenance, that doesn’t make it OK to throw all your shot glasses on the floor.

Keeping things exciting and running smoothly does not necessitate freaking out about the little things.

And the biggest turn-on for people who want to make you into their god or goddess is ambition, ambition, ambition.

Wearing scrubs or carrying a law school book is a surefire way to invite people to the party in your pants. We are a competitive bunch of nerds here at UCLA, and having a goal or career path in mind will get you laid faster than anything else.

In summary, you have to be confident, good-looking, athletic, funny, ambitious, chill and a good dancer in order to get laid or find happiness with another person.

Or you could just build genitalia out of gold.

Carey and Grinstead “love goooooold!” and Conan O’Brien. And reading your e-mail. Send it to ncarey@media.ucla.edu and agrinstead@media.ucla.edu.