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The first thing we learn as Bruins is that we hate Trojans. You throw away your red and yellow acceptance letter, attend UCLA’s freshman orientation, and the crosstown loathing begins.

As the most important football game of the year approaches, we decided to lose our “bashing ’SC column” virginity.

In general, neither of us ever cared about scoring outside of the bedroom. But in honor of the greater good, we would like to instill a love of scoring (and football, for that matter) in all of our readers.

For the record, we really like Trojans. That is, when they’re made out of latex and they’re covering something important to us. However, when they’re covering the 50-yard line at the Rose Bowl, or center court at Pauley, or just about anywhere in South Central, we don’t like them so much.

Besides the obvious fact that “a Bruin lasts forever, but a Trojan’s only good once,” there are many other reasons to root for the big, muscular bear this Saturday, and we’ve listed our top five.

One. A Trojan’s personal satisfaction and happiness in life lies in good football and basketball records and, specifically, in the ability to brag about them. With a Trojan fan, it’s always going to come up – “Was it good for you? Because it was good for me when we beat you in basketball and football.”

Unless you like to be told you suck at every sport, including the horizontal polka, don’t give a Spoiled Child anything.

Bruins are humble and loyal fans who will continue to renew their season passes even if you’re bad, in bed or on the field.

Two. Don’t sleep with a Trojan, unless, of course, you’re a dirty pirate hooker. If you think that buying their way into things stopped with their admission letters, you’re wrong.

So if you were standing on that corner with a purpose, go right ahead and good luck. As for everyone else, why bother?

Three. There’s a rumor that UCLA has hot football players. Our extensive stalking (research) on the online roster indicates that yes, there are. Many, in fact. Furthermore, anyone who can squeeze themselves into a pair of ass-fondling gold spandex pants has our approval.

Even if you’ve never been included in any “team practices,” these fine specimens of manhood should still be cheered for rather than their spoiled, whiny opponents. If you can’t be an athlete, be an “athletic supporter”.

Four. Would you rather do the walk of shame at 4 a.m. from South Central with only an expensive borrowed USC sweatshirt as your defense, or stumble home down Gayley, where nice people run the perimeter and you can smell the amazing brunch awaiting you back on the Hill?

Since Westwood is better than Figueroa Street and the Felix Auto Center, logically Bruins are superior to Trojans.

Five. And most importantly, Tommy Trojan carries around that sword for the same reason a 25-year-old guy (probably from USC) buys an F-250 that takes diesel. It’s compensation.

So maybe UCLA isn’t always on the winning side of the scoreboard, but that’s no reason to become a traitor and sleep with the enemy. Remember that UCLA students worked hard to get into this school, and they’ll most likely work hard at everything else, like penetrating your defensive line and passing the ol’ pigskin to your wide receiver.

Whether we win or lose on Saturday, make sure you score with a Bruin.

We think that bonfires, car smashes and blood drives are hot, but neither of us actually possesses a Rose Bowl ticket for Saturday. If you want to be our date, and you have an extra ticket to the game, e-mail us at ncarey@media.ucla.edu and agrinstead@media.ucla.edu.