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Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Just imagine that revenge-crazed Spaniard bearing down on you, waving his magnificent blade around and threatening you with certain death. It still sends chills down my spine.

“The Princess Bride,” one of nearly everybody’s favorite flicks, features some of the most ridiculously sweet sword fighting ever captured on film, and while watching it on DVD, I came to the following epiphany: Fencing is awesome.

This notion was only confirmed when TNT decided to show Zorro for the 100th straight day, and I still watched it for the 100th time just because I enjoyed watching Antonio Banderas cleverly disrobe Catherine Zeta-Jones with the point of his blade.

Now might be a good time to mention the fact that, in my final quarter here at UCLA, I’m taking a grand total of one class. This is how I can afford to watch the same movie on TV over and over again. So, in an effort to fill up these grand reservoirs of free time, I thought I might try to scratch my fencing itch, and learn how to properly poke someone with a sword and then give them a good “Yo’ mama!” for good measure.

Swordplay on film has given audiences some of their greatest thrills, not only with the fine choreography, but also the witty banter back and forth.

Remember Inigo battling the Dread Pirate Roberts atop the cliffs of despair? Or how about Zorro battling it out with Zeta-Jones in the stables? Every parry and repost features an equally sharp jest, insult or comeback.

In fact, in one of the earliest video games I can ever remember playing, Monkey Island, whether you won or lost a sword fight depended on choosing the correct verbal jibe against your opponent. So, when I decided to try my hand at fencing, I figured I should practice sharpening my tongue more than my blade. However, I soon discovered that fencing is no laughing matter.

A quick Google search for “fencing” and “UCLA” provided me with all the information I needed. Not only does the Wooden Center offer a beginner’s fencing class, but the UCLA fencing club meets three times a week, and even total beginners are welcome. Surely, in no time I would be learning the retreat-up-the-stairs-then-swing-from-the-chandelier-behind-your-opponent move, and soon I could perfect the dodge-the-sword-so-it-gets-stuck-in-something-solid-and-then-stab-them move. Believe it or not, however, these are not officially recognized fencing moves. In fact, I didn’t hear anyone trading insults or doing back flips.

As it turns out, you’re not allowed to talk to your opponent during a bout. Cordiality and civility are expected in this gentleman’s sport.

“There are no yo’ mama jokes or any crap like that,” said Nelson Villaluz, a third-year aerospace engineering student and captain of the men’s foil team.

There is, however, good-natured competition between the three types of weapons: foil, saber and epee.

Foil seems to be the standard, and is rather stylish. Epee is hard to pronounce. I’m currently trying to learn saber, because most of the club team members said I looked like a saber fencer.

I’m not sure yet which type of weapon a pirate might use, but that’s the one I need. Because, for me, the whole point of this endeavor is to have the following conversation with a pirate while we battle for buried treasure, Monkey Island style:

Me: “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!” Advance double, slash!

Pirate: “Yaargh! My mother was a saint! How dare you!” Retreat double, parry and counterattack!

Me: “Is that a rubber chicken in your pocket?” Advance twice, lunge!

Pirate: “Aye! His name is Darren and he’s twice the pirate you’ll ever be!” Dodge!

Me: “Then why is he wearing underwear with little red hearts?!” Run him through!

Pirate (distracted): “Darren, are you wearing my underwear aga – ... oh no!” Death!!

Yuhl wonders what kind of underwear Zorro found when disrobing Catherine Zeta-Jones. E-mail him your thoughts at cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.