• printer friendly
• mail this article
• iPod format
• digg

Photo

We need to talk. I know that sounds serious, but it is. We’ve had a good year and a half together, but it’s time to move on.

I just don’t love you like I used to, and it’s not fair to you to keep going on like this.

Plus, I’m graduating.

I remember the beginning of our relationship. I was on the rebound after a bad fling and needed to vent – and I had been watching a lot of “Sex and the City” that summer.

My friends were supportive. They were the ones convincing me we could be great together before “we” existed. The parents were a little more reticent, but have come to appreciate you as you are.

First there was the thrill of the chase, those early columns brimming with new ideas and so much to say. Then the honeymoon phase brought us into the comfort zone and even into dips of monotony. I’ve scratched my head for new topics, sought advice from friends and have reinvigorated our spark a few times.

I’ve written about things I know and problems of others, and I’ve given advice from the heart and from personal experience.

We’ve had long nights together, working through writer’s block, topic changes and the pressure of deadlines.

I have made you a higher priority than my homework or my social life on Wednesday nights, and there were plenty of times I was writing about dating more than actually going out on dates. You’ve been my longest relationship.

Strangers, friends and acquaintances have come to me asking for advice – and some have even asked me out as a result of the column.

But I’m no dating expert.

I’ve made mistakes in the past year and a half, and knowing me, I will continue to do so.

The one piece of advice I have recently gleaned from the experience of giving advice is to not force a stalled relationship.

There have been a few times in the past few months – late at night or early in the morning – when I have wished I could’ve ended it, when I felt I had nothing left to say.

But our relationship has not been just about the two of us. I couldn’t just bow out in the middle of the quarter or take a week off because I craved a little space.

Ours has been an institutional relationship, governed by time and space (usually 500 to 800 words) and many dependents.

And our restrictions made me realize there are others like us – real couples who stay together past their logical end date, trying desperately to drag out their storyline when the magic has been diffused and swooning ceases.

And I wonder, why? Why do we feel forced to stay together with someone until an artificial end date such as the end of the year, our college careers or until we reach a birthday, holiday or anniversary?

Perhaps it’s a feeling of obligation or fear of being alone. But nothing is scarier than an uninspired relationship.

To those of you itching to be single, stop waiting for a deadline. You can try to put the spice back in your relationship, but if pep talks or candlelit dinners don’t do it, it’s time to get out.

Even if you’re still enraptured but your partner isn’t, there’s no sense in trying to convince an unenthusiastic somebody to stay. It will only make both of you feel stuck and stifled.

Move on when the moment – and not the calendar – tells you. Breaking up is the right thing to do when anything about staying together feels wrong.

It’s tough. I know. Saying good-bye to you, “Relating to Dating,” makes me feel sad, a little forlorn, perhaps even lost.

No matter what comes next, you’ll always be my first, and there’s solace in that for both of us.

Bonos is the 2004-2005 managing editor. E-mail her at lbonos@media.ucla.edu if you’d like to date her now-single column.