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Dear Tara Reid,

I was so sorry to hear about the recent cancellation of your E! television program “Taradise.” While the show – in which you traveled the world pursuing both fun and answers to life’s great questions, often in an inebriated haze – was unable to establish itself as a creative or ratings powerhouse, it provided me with several minutes of viewing pleasure this summer.

You have every right to be disappointed. With the failure of “Taradise,” your career seems to have lost its last semblance of momentum. The young blonde we admired in “American Pie” is no longer a fresh face with a promising tomorrow.

Forget about winning an Oscar – you’d be lucky to get a network pilot at this point. To be blunt, your star has faded.

But trust me, Tara, it’s a blessing in disguise.

What exactly has Hollywood stardom done for you? Sure, there were the millions of dollars, adoring fans and glitzy parties, but all that came with grave costs.

I’m sure you recall last November, on the red carpet outside Diddy’s 35th birthday celebration, when a wardrobe malfunction revealed your left breast – scarred from a recent boob job – to the world, which responded with a collective “yuck.”

As my friend Adam put it, “It looks like she’s been nursing a wolverine.”

There is certainly something sucking you dry, but I don’t think it’s a feral beast. Rather, I blame Hollywood.

It is a place with an insatiable appetite for scandal, where your embarrassing moment allows gossip columnists to stay in business, where superficiality reigns supreme, inspiring otherwise healthy girls like yourself to alter their anatomy as a means to career advancement – and finally, where loyalties are fleeting.

I certainly don’t need to remind you of your “friend” Lindsay Lohan’s comment earlier this summer, when rumors of your out-of-control lifestyle were circulating: “I’m not some crazy, Tara Reid-esque party girl.”

Lohan had no qualms about turning your name into a pejorative adjective when it would benefit her career. With friends like these, I can understand the appeal of frequent alcohol consumption.

Do you truly wish to remain in such a cesspool of stardom?

I think you’re fortunate to escape while still young enough to establish a second career. And that’s the main reason I’m writing to you. I think I can help you find a more satisfying profession.

I know you are not a huge fan of the press – “I think there must be a journalist school where students are taught how to kill Tara Reid,” you recently lamented.

While my Google search was unable to find any school of journalism that specializes in your destruction, I can see why your relationship with the media would be somewhat acrimonious.

But hopefully this letter of advice can improve your perception of the press, as well as lead you in an exciting new professional direction.

Let’s begin with your qualifications. In a recent statement to the press, you highlighted your most redeeming qualities, saying, “I love people, first of all, and I can pretty much talk to anyone and I always have a good time. I’m really, like, happy, and I love having fun.”

What a great attitude. That’s the type of spirit that will take a person far in life. The lack of a college degree could be detrimental, but we can overcome that. Happiness and a love of fun count for a lot. Here are a few ideas.

Have you thought about gardening? As I write this letter at my cramped desk, I can see gardeners mowing the lawn and watering plants outside the window, and I feel the overwhelming desire to trade places with them. I think gardening would be the perfect pursuit for a former actress. You could connect with nature in a way few Hollywood starlets can. Just think – you could end up the 21st century’s Thoreau.

Or how about writing your memoirs? I can’t imagine a more captivating story than Tara Reid’s odyssey, from local talent shows to the cover of Maxim. It’s like “Moby Dick” without the whale. I can see the line outside Borders forming already.

Finally, there’s the military. Now I know this might seem like a ridiculous idea, but bear with me. You could travel to exotic places – an activity any viewer of “Taradise” knows you enjoy immensely – and serve your country in a time of dire need. And with recruitment standards recently modified to accept even more of the lowest-scoring applicants, it looks like a savvy gal such as yourself should have no trouble joining the prestigious ranks of the U.S. Army. And don’t even get me started on the benefits.

Tara, let’s be honest. Hollywood stardom is so 1999. But you could still be gardening’s “it” girl. Or a fighter on the front lines of America’s war on illiteracy. Or a part of the solution in Iraq. The possibilities are truly endless – now is the time to seize them.

Best of luck,

Brendan Kearns

E-mail Kearns at bkearns@media.ucla.edu.