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Tonight, Undergraduate Students Association Council elections will come to a nail-biting end. Members of opposing slates will gather in front of Kerckhoff Hall to wait for the results to be announced. Slowly, word will leak that a winner has been declared, at which point losing candidates will set fire to Meyerhoff Park, forcing the new president to declare martial law as angry students set up a siege that could last well into ninth week.

What will actually happen is that some students will gain victory for their slate, another group of students will be said to have, sort of, lost, and the tangible effect of the elections on your life next year will basically be zero.

“Each year really just seems the same, so it doesn’t seem like it matters who is running,” third-year psychology student Sam Dores said.

Yet, at the beginning of each spring quarter, students descend upon Bruin Walk, handing out pamphlets vaguely claiming to “increase school diversity” and “represent students’ voices.” Then whoever is elected spends the next year arguing about when people are allowed to speak during meetings and whether the shades in the president’s office should stay open or closed. The good things that USAC accomplishes are hidden behind bureaucracy and bickering.

“I don’t think USAC has had a good history of putting its name on (tangible accomplishments),” admits current Internal Vice President Kristina Doan.

Is it any wonder that student apathy toward student government has run more amok than a monkey chasing a poorly constructed comparison? Student government doesn’t have to be an eerie facsimile of the way real lawmakers operate, replete with bickering and no candidates who inspire our support. We’re in college – we’re supposed to be wacky, promiscuous drunkards, not kids playing Beltway dress-up. Instead of concerning themselves with bylaws and posturing, our student leaders should act like Emory University Student Government Association President Amrit Dhir.

Dhir, who was elected last spring, has spent this school year dissolving the student legislature, assuming the title of “supreme ruler,” and forming a Department of War to battle Washington University in St. Louis. He has succeeded in piquing student interest and injecting drama into the normally dull arena of student government.

“That kid’s awesome,” said Naresh Jegadeesh, a fourth-year student at Emory. When asked whether he’d prefer a normal student government or one whose president declared himself supreme ruler, Jegadeesh chose “one that abolishes the student senate. Because I love drama. It’s like ‘Desperate Housewives.’”

Emory’s students are not alone in revolting against the same-old, same-old of undergraduate governance. North Carolina State University’s current student president, Whil Piavis, ran on a “Pirate Captain” platform and won, and has fulfilled his governmental duties this year in full pirate regalia.

A similar stunt was attempted here last year, as presidential candidate Jake Strom did much of his campaigning in a chicken suit and proffered outlandish proposals like building a ski lift from Sproul Hall to Bunche. He didn’t actually seem interested in governing, and he lost, but last year’s election cycle was at least more interesting to watch.

The way candidates campaign and then govern is maddeningly serious and boring. USAC may actually do real work that benefits students – Doan characterizes most of it as “behind the scenes” – but that doesn’t mean the public face of USAC couldn’t use a relaxation of the bureaucracy and an increase in good humor.

Why not take a page from the Slate Refund banners on Bruin Walk and fight for endorsements from UCLA athletes? Why not have boxing matches between candidates in Meyerhoff Park?

“I’m down for boxing,” Doan said, “especially if we can take bets and defer the cost of elections.”

We’d certainly be deferring the terrible mental cost of fighting through the slog of candidates whose only goal is to get a slate flyer to stick somewhere on your person.

Officers could be forced to wear ninja costumes to USAC meetings and take turns trying to excommunicate each other. Anything, really, to make USAC interesting for students to follow. The future could be revolutionary. Just think about it: Kelvin Kim vs. a pirate. Now there’s an election I would vote in.