Scarlett Johansson Sings Tom Waits: A Play In One Act.

Johansson pushes through the swinging door of a small New York coffee shop.

Her face is hidden beneath large, square sunglasses and a scarf wrapped around her head, tied at the chin.

She spots Woody Allen fidgeting at a coffee table in the corner and moves to take the seat opposite him.

Woody Allen: What happened? I thought we said 5:30. I was worried.

Scarlett Johansson: I’m sorry. You know how hard it is for me to get around when all the men who see me lay prostrate in worship.

WA: Sounds terrific to me. Last time I had someone at my feet was at a screening of “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion.” The DreamWorks rep curled up on the floor for a nap 10 minutes through the film.

SJ: Sounds terrible.

WA: You have no idea. But that’s why I’ve got you. You’re keeping me famous.

SJ: Is that why you wanted to meet with me?

WA: Yes, it is, actually. I have eight new screenplays for you to read over. I want you as the lead in all of them except “Melinda and Melinda II.” I’m trying to get Amy Poehler for that one.

SJ: I don’t know, Woody. I’m getting sick of acting.

WA: What? How are you sick of acting? You’re not even 22.

SJ: I don’t know. I feel like I’m at the top of my game. Everyone in America knows that I’m one of the most attractive and talented actresses in entertainment. I need to reach out to a different crowd. I’m thinking of recording an album. That way, even blind people can experience how awesome I am.

WA: An album? Really? I ... I don’t know. I mean, why don’t you just start hanging out with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton? You can all go shopping together and talk about how hard life is.

SJ: Don’t be mean. I have better taste than that. I was thinking I might do an album of covers.

WA: I heard your cover of “Summertime.” I just don’t think it’s a good idea.

SJ: Well, I’m not going to do anything that jazzy this time. Maybe Bob Dylan ... or Tom Waits. Something like that.

WA: Tom Waits? Come on, when I hear his songs I can’t help but imagine a jack-o’-lantern singing the words instead of a person.

SJ: Tom Waits is one of the greatest songwriters of our time!

WA: Oh, OK. Well, if he’s one of the greatest songwriters of our time, then I’m one of the world’s greatest athletes.

SJ: Please. I saw you trying to play tennis with Jon on the set of “Match Point.” You thought you’d sprained your ankle before the game even started.

WA: You know what? Fine. Do a Tom Waits cover album. I bet it’ll be a big hit. A smash, even.

SJ: You know what? I will. I don’t care what you say.

WA: I’ll even get someone else to be my “it” girl. Like Jessica Alba. I bet she’d love to take your place.

SJ: She can’t act at all. You know that.

WA: Oh, and you can?

SJ: You know, I don’t deserve this. I’m going to do whatever I want.

WA: Obviously.

SJ: I’ll see you later, Woody.

WA: Wait. No, don’t go. I didn’t mean it. I think it’s great that you’re trying something new. I’m just looking out for you. I don’t want you to get hurt if no one likes your album.

SJ: Everyone’s going to love it. I’m Scarlett Johansson.

WA: Yeah, well. Hey, if you need a clarinet player on the album, give me a call.

SJ: We’ll see, Woody. Good luck with “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Paranoia (But Were Afraid to Imply).”

“Scarlett Sings Tom Waits” will be coming to you on Rhino Records in spring 2007.

Yes, really.

Duhamel can’t wait for “Ashley Judd Sings Nick Cave.” E-mail him at dduhamel@media.ucla.edu.